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What I Know

November 04, 2015

 I've found that I compare every boy I see potential in to this one boy, this one boy who stole my heart for six months. I compare them to the way he acted, the way he spoke, the things he thought, the music he played, the way he looked. He always seems to pop up into my mind, even though we met months before we turned fifteen and now we're both almost nineteen. He was only in my life for six months but falling for him during those six months have made me realize so many things about myself today. And occasionally I get those lonely nights where a memory pops into my mind, then the whole night just takes me back. Those lonely nights make me realize more about myself each time. What I learned are things I want to pass on to my daughters when they need it, so why not write them down now?

  1. Being young and in love always seems to have a Romeo and Juliet ending. It never ends well, something always happens that tears the two star crossed lovers apart. It ends in some heart breaking way that no one knew would happen, or just didn't want to admit would happen. That heart breaking ending, the Romeo and Juliet finale, happened to him and I. So when it happens, cry, you're allowed to cry and you're allowed to feel hurt. I felt my heart physically break once everything was over and I finally realized it. But don't shut yourself down, don't lock yourself away, don't hurt yourself. 
  2. Time heals all wounds, but sometimes only the ones on the surface. You'll always remember your first love, or first true love and that's okay. You're going to hear a song that triggers a memory, whether its months after the heartbreak or years, and it may hurt. But once that moment is over don't go back,  continue to move on. Keep taking steps forward in your life. One day you will look back and it won't hurt anymore.
  3. I texted him many times after everything ended, looking for answers or simply a hello and getting nothing. I've written out messages then deleted them. I've deleted his number then added it back into my phone. I've blocked his number and unblocked it a billion times. I must have called a thousand times trying to say I'm sorry, but I didn't do anything wrong. So now his number is still in my phone but I haven't clicked on his name in over a year.
  4. When he moves on, whether its after you did or before you did, it'll hurt a little. That's simply something you have to admit when it happens. Whether you are upset, or hate his new girlfriend, that's you hurting inside. You may not realize it, or want to, but that's what it is. His new girlfriend did nothing wrong, don't hate her. Even if she's some gorgeous supermodel with platinum blonde hair and bright grey eyes, she did nothing to you so don't hate her. And don't be jealous of her looks, or hate the way you look, because you are beautiful. The way I got past the new girlfriend was thinking; if he found me beautiful and her beautiful now, then obviously her and I have something in common. So if I hate her, then maybe I hate myself and that's obviously not okay either. 
  5. Remember what you loved about him and what you hated. What you loved, you'll probably find in other guys you like, maybe thats your "type" and thats okay. You aren't trying to find someone just like him, you're just trying to find a guy you're interested in. So when you find a guy who makes the same dirty jokes as him, and you still laugh just the same, it's good. You like guys with a good sense of humor. No, you may never find another guy who will call you 'bub', but you'll find another guy who loves you so much he'll marry you one day. You just have to wait, be patient, he'll come. What you hated, you'll also see in other guys, who you probably won't be attracted to. So just move on and someone new will come along who's different.
  6. Don't hate him. Yes he may have made promises to you that he broke, but you probably did too. If you hate and resent him the rest of your life, it'll destroy you. God it'll put so much extra weight on your shoulders that you don't need. And to be honest you probably don't hate him, you just hate that it ended. I hated him for a year, maybe two, before I realized that. Anything that reminded me of him I instantly hated too. But once I realized that our relationship ending was what I hated, I allowed myself to be happy with those memories of us. I mean six months of my life was talking to this boy almost everyday! We laughed, fought, smiled, cried, loved each other and hated each other. But in the end they were moments that today I can look back at and laugh. Yes it still hurts, but I can laugh at our jokes. He never did run down the halls screaming "I'm in love and I don't care who knows it" and he never serenaded me, but he did do so many things that I can't help but laugh at. We were two stupid kids in love and god it was hilarious.
  7. If he comes back into your life one day, be civil. Say hello, ask how he's doing, how's life, and keep a smile on your face, then say goodbye. You can fall apart later rethinking everything that happened to you, or maybe you'll be okay and walk away with content. Just be civil darling, because maybe it hurt him too. You don't know.
  8. Don't burn all those photos, don't break any of those trinkets, don't trash anything until you stop crying and hating. Yes those are memories with him, but they are also apart of your life. That photo you two took at the festival, don't rip it in half because then its gone forever and in a month or so you may want that. Not as a reminder of your relationship, but of the festival and the amazing time you had that day.
  9. Don't throw yourself into a new relationship. Let it happen. It'll happen when you are ready. Maybe you'll meet this boy at the bookstore one day and you'll just click. But if you aren't ready, don't force yourself to be. You'll just know when you are, it's hard to describe but you'll know.
  10. If you kissed him or did things with him that you regret, it's okay. You loved that boy at the time and if that's all the validation you needed then obviously it was something. But don't hate yourself or feel "dirty" or "used" or "damaged" for doing anything. Because you're not, that's is not how it works. That is not how it works.
  11. Lastly, listen to Taylor Swift. She's had more heartbreaks than anyone so she knows what she's doing. She is able to pick herself right back up again and go back out there, if you want to do that go for it. If you want to find a creative way to express your heartbreak, go for it. If you want to talk to me about it, go for it. If you just want to scream, fucking go for it. Do whatever it takes to be the happy girl you were before him and with him and will be in the future.
 This may not make a bunch of sense now but it's how I feel and what I've learned for my own experience. It's raw, it's how I feel, it's what I've felt. My feelings are not stupid and neither are yours, you're allowed to feel them. Do not let anyone tell you that you aren't allowed to cry over a broken heart because you are, it's what people do. Don't look at this relationship as a mistake because it isn't. And you aren't the mistakes you've made anyways, you are you. You aren't made of mistakes, you aren't damaged goods. You are a human being who has been hurt and are learning to get over it in your own time. So remember that. 



"Maybe you lost someone you never expected you would lose. Maybe you lost yourself, that's even worse. When you have bad days that just won't let up, I just hope that you will look in the mirror and remind yourself of what you are and what you are not. You are not your mistakes. You are not damaged goods or muddy from your failed explorations. You are not the opinion of someone who doesn't know you. You are a product of the lessons that you've learned. You are wiser because you went through something terrible. And you are the person who survived a bunch of rainstorms and kept walking. I now believe that pain makes your stronger and I now believe that walking through a lot of rainstorms gets you clean." -Taylor Swift

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