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Never Been Kissed

May 11, 2016

 Many people know I've never been kissed before, many people are shocked and many don't believe me. I don't know why I haven't been kissed or kissed anyone at the age of 19, but it just hasn't happened yet. I've gotten a couple messages asking me why I haven't been kissed/kissed anyone, and whether or not they should wait too. But honestly the reasons why I haven't kissed anyone is sort of weird and old fashioned. Everyone is different when it comes to things like kissing or dating. I've only had one boyfriend, which was mainly long distance, so I never kissed him. But I've always said I wanted to be in a relationship or at least know one would stem from what I had with dating a guy when I kissed him. I've always held out hope for a fairytale, romantic kind of moment for my first kiss. I don't want to kiss just anyone, I don't want some random guy to be my first kiss. I want it to be with someone I like because your first kiss is special, I love that. And through high school I had confidence issues, so I wanted to learn to love myself first because I would date anyone. I had braces, I was made fun of for my looks, the way I acted, so I didn't want to be around anyone but my closest friends then. And once high school ended, I didn't do much socializing thanks to the rainy summer I had, then I went off on a island action for two weeks. Once I came back everyone I knew was pretty much gone for college or in the Navy (yes hi hello Ana). Then my friend came back, my other one got off work more, and we started going down to college parties at UC.
 I'm very open about some things and very closed off about others, never being kissed is one of the things I am open about. And if you've read some of my other blog posts you would know that since going to these college parties 9/10 guys have said "let me change that for you" add in the creepy windy face emoji and it would be a perfect stereotypical text message.
 Some days I think I have am problem, something is wrong with me and that's why no guy wants me. Something about me is just bad and wrong and distasteful, horrid, crude, ugly, bad etc. Some days I just want to have my friend pull over her car and ask the guy on the side walk to plant one on me, get it over and done with. But then at the same time I don't want to do that, it would be a fun story but I know I'd hate myself for it in the long run.
 And I know going to college parties isn't the place to meet guys, but out of the 10 guys I've told that I've never been kissed only one didn't have the same stupid answer. Instead he shared his story about his first kiss and for some reason I would have been totally okay if he had just stayed holding my hand and kissed me. But again, at the same time, I sorta want to kiss someone I know I'd have a relationship with. It just seems special that way. And yes, this guy was extremely cute and infatuation overcame me, but it's summer time and I don't want a summer fling. I'd rather wait till fall and date someone then. He'd be a really cool person to have as a friend, which is what I wanted to begin with because I could never just date someone after only meeting them once. But again, it's summer time and he doesn't live 20 minutes away anymore. And apparently he's a heart breaker anyways. Though apparently that's my type...
 I know I'll kiss somebody eventually, and I'll also have to continue to turn guys down who I know aren't right for me, but maybe when the leaves turn brown I'll be singing a whole new song. Who knows? Things change for people, stuff happens, life goes on. I could find someone tomorrow and be head over heels for them and end up marrying the guy, or I may be single another day and blast T Swift in the car with some Lana Del Rey. Again, who knows?

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