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Innocent

July 06, 2016


 While allowing myself to wallow in my self pity, hurt, depression, sadness, and self hate I decided to put my Taylor Swift record on. I flipped to a random side and let Taylor fill up my room with the unique sound that you can only get with vinyl. As I continued to let myself become engrossed into the music, my mind caught on to certain lyrics from certain songs. Innocent came on, literally moments after I decided to give up all hope on reclaiming my innocence. The first couple lines really sunk into me, they hit me deeply and I'm glad they did.
I guess you really did it this time. Let yourself in your warpath. 
Lost your balance on a tightrope. Lost your mind trying to get it back.
 I started to realize what everyone else was telling me. I started to understand that what happened wasn't my fault. Yes I could have totally kicked the vile boy who caused all of this in the face, but instead my body froze and he manipulated that. In his mind he decided to use me, he decided to manipulate me, he decided to hurt me. And I told myself it was my fault over and over again yet if anyone else was in this situation I would know damn well it wasn't their fault. But it't not my fault this person took advantage of me on purpose, he planned it out step by step in his head then executed that decision.
Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything and everybody believed in you?
 I know that now things will be different, I won't see the kindness in everyone right away. I won't be so openly trusting and naive to believe that everyone is good now. I hope I don't become cold hearted but I won't be the same, and that hurts me to think about. And the girl with the childhood marked on her skin in coal black won't think I'm perfect anymore, and I'll stop believing that maybe I am.
 It's alright, just wait and see. Your string of lights is still bright to me.
Oh, who you are is not where you've been. 
You're still innocent, you're still innocent.
 As a little girl I made a promise to myself that I would not allow myself to die until I went to a Taylor Swift concert and heard her songs live. That promise got me to where I was right before this all happened, happy and alive. So now, I'm making that promise to myself again. I will not allow myself to leave this world until I have tickets to her show, and even then I'm stepping that promise up. I need to get tickets to her show, listen to her music live, and thank her for getting me through one of the absolute worst times of my life.
Did some things you can't speak of but at night you live it all again.
You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now if only you had seen what you know now then.
I won't tell anyone else what happened to me. I told one single person every single horrible detail that there was to tell and that is the only person who will know all of what happened. I didn't want any of those things to happen, but they did, and none of what happened was my fault. I wish that would have clicked before I had hurt myself and found myself crying on the bathroom floor hoping my best friend wouldn't make me unlock the door.
Who you are is not what you did. You're still an innocent.
 Even though bad things happened to me, those things do not define me. Those things may have affected me and hurt me and broke me and took things away from me but I am still innocent in my heart and soul.
Time turns flames to embers, you'll have new Septembers.
 Eventually this will all burn out of my mind and it will be another I block out. My PTSD has kicked in because I can see the images in my head even when I'm looking at something else, so I'll always have to relive that night when it pops into my brain and I can vividly see it again, but over time I'm hoping to block it out.
Today is never too late to be brand new.
 I can still be me, I can still be who I was, I can be completely new if I'd like, I can be whoever.
Lost your balance on a tightrope. It's never too late to get it back.
 I have to get back up and keep fighting and trying and walking forward. It may be tomorrow when I finally get back on or next week but I will eventually...


 I guess I should've known that somehow it would be Taylor Swift to finally get me back to finding who I am. It was her that made me realize what people were telling me was true 10 years ago, so I should have known that it would be her this time too. 

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