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Suffer

July 01, 2016


 I can not begin to explain the feelings that are consuming me right now... There are no words for the hurt I feel... I have spent the last few nights drowning myself in sad Taylor Swift songs, Audrey Hepburn movies, Shakespeare novels, and tear stained pillowcases. I just keep thinking about how I have lost all of who I am- was... who I was. I didn't want this, I didn't want this as part of my story. I don't want to have to think of all of this whenever I get asked that certain question of "who was your first kiss?" I wanted something magical, special, romantic, nice... something I could tell my daughter when she asked me about it because she was nervous for her first kiss. Not something like this, I didn't want this.
 I was told by the one person who I told the whole entire story to, horrid detail after horrid detail, that it doesn't count... He said "The whole night doesn't count. Because it was stolen and thats not fair, you get a redo." Of course I told him that's not how the world works... To that he said "it works how you want it to, it's your world." I can try and pretend the night never happened, that I was never hurt the way I was, but I don't think that will happen. 
 I don't know if I will ever be able to go back to the person I was before. I think no matter how hard I try I will always be permanently broken, at least just a little bit, by this whole thing. I prided myself on who I was and how no matter how sad and insanely bad my life was I still had this one thing I was able to control in my life. I was able to control this one part of my story but instead this ignorant, hateful, hurtful boy decided to take it from me just to purposefully hurt someone else. From the moment we were left alone he planned to use the fact that I'm naive and choose to think everyone is always kind and wonderful against me. Looking back I can see it all now, but in the moment I just figured he was being kind to me, trying to get on my sweet side because he knew I was biased about him. I had heard of the things he had done to the girl with childhood inked into her skin, I knew he was bad already but I didn't realize how bad until that night. I figured he was being nice because we were both stuck in the family room because our friends were hanging out alone with each other, which has happened to me before. Before, the guy was sweet, he held my hand, never made a move, asked me what my favorite Taylor Swift album was, talked all night long, was interested in my life, was genuinely good. He even told his friends he was nervous to talk to me again for whatever reason. And when they found out who I was, they even called me his girl- Fred's girl. This vile man though, that I was alone with, was nothing like that guy. He's a snake who tricks you with his moves and his words and actions, acting like he's just scooting closer to see the tv better. Even though you tell him to stop he doesn't give you enough time to think, let alone breath. The air around him is like poison and the sight of him is abominable.
 Because of him I can't sleep without nightmares, I can't eat, I can't think of anything but horrid images. My arm is no longer clean, it hurts to breath, I have dark circles under my eyes, I'm biting my fingernails... I do not wish this on my worst enemy. And I hurt so deeply for the girl with the perfect tattoo.
The second I met that girl I knew I wanted to become a good friend, even best friend, of hers because I could tell that who she was was just perfect. And to hear from the perfect girl with the tattoo that I had imaged getting on my own skin 4 years ago that I was perfect, I started to believe it. Because of her simple reminder that she thought I was perfect I started to love myself and truly believe it. I got to a point in life where I was happy with my body, my personality, my face, my quirks. I can truly say I do not remember a time where I loved myself and who I was... And all that came crashing down when I saw the tweets and texts she wrote about me... But one day I hope to be back to where I was. I hope to be able to love myself again. I hope to forget what happened to me and all about the venomous man who did it.
 He's a snake... and if you ever meet him please don't make any sudden moves... His venom hits you at your core and destroys everything inside... Walk away slowly... Because darling, you don't know the half of the abuse.

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