Paris - The 1975

Now I understand how those old poets felt when they spoke of heartbreak...
 In this moment I feel pain and numbness. I didn't think you could feel numb and pain at the same time but apparently you can. Those are the two big and real feelings that I have right now that are coursing through my veins. But I also feel disgusted with myself, used, hurt, and lied to.
 I feel like the past 24 hours has been a huge lie to me. Like I was viciously lied to, whether on purpose or on accident I don't know but everything in the past 24 hours feels like a lie. I feel used, I feel like the things that took place in the middle of the night were just me being used. I feel disgusted with myself, that I could trust and fall for someone. I feel disgusted for what I did with him. I feel like yesterday was just this giant lie to soften the blow. I know he was thinking about this before, you don't just walk out of the room for a second then decide you want to destroy someone to their core. I know he was thinking about it last night, whether it be at four in the morning or during dinner when he hand his hand on my knee and whispering into my ear. How do you go from laying in bed with someone, having them push your hair behind your ear, kiss your forehead, run their finger down your shoulder, to listening to them leave as you cry on the floor and get sick in your bathroom.
 Now I'm crying for hours and hating myself. I can't hate him though, I honestly know I never could. This is too fresh and raw, considering it just happened this morning, but I know that. I know because it wasn't him deciding to end things. It was his anxiety. That's what it was last time, I can only image that's what it is this time. Or at least I'll tell myself that to help ease the pain.
 God I just wish someone would shake him and tell him he's messing up. Don't do this, go back, come back, stop doing this. It's your anxiety, don't let it control you, please let yourself be happy. But it wouldn't matter.
 I yelled at him, and I wanted to throw things at him. I hate myself for that, I wish I would've let him continue to speak and explain things. But I wasn't listening anyways. My mind was going a mile a minute mulling over every second from last night trying to figure out what it was I did that caused this and when it popped into his head to do this. I wish we could've talked, maybe worked this out but I know that wouldn't have happened. I know I still would've ended up like this, at my mom's sobbing into her as I just keep repeating 'I don't understand' over and over and over again. It just would've been at noon instead of 10 am.
 Now I'm desperately and pathetically hoping his name pops up on my phone with the dumb little photo of him sitting at his desk. Now I'm listening to The 1975 because why not torture myself more with If I Believe You. Now I'm crying as I try to piece this together for closure. Now I'm trying to get myself to delete all the photos of him off my phone. Now I'm trying to not cry in front of my mother and sister, but that's not working. Now I'm trying to not hurt myself. Now I'm just as much of a mess, if not more, as I was when started this thing. Now I'm trying not to let him taint the things I love; Tiffany's, Audrey Hepburn, Van Gogh, Gilmore Girls, etc.
 I would take him back in a heartbeat, but I know I could never be just friends with him. I can't sit there on the sidelines watching him do the amazing things I know he'll do and pretend I'm not still falling for him. God he's so hard not to fall for, and I know he'll be so hard to get over. I know this is all so soon, it was just hours ago when he broke things off but I just need to write this. It's therapeutic for me. It's going to help me get closure because I know he won't come back. I just wish I could have him laying next to me for one more minute. Just holding my hand for one more second. Just so I could hear his voice and see his face one more time. But I can't. Like I knew and dreaded, I am Rory and he is my Dean.
 I just can't believe someone would want to be in your life and do amazing things for you and give you the best Valentine's Day ever just to destroy every part of you the next morning. I can honestly say that I wish he wouldn't have done any of that, I wish he would've broken up with me when he was with me Saturday than today.
 In the end though I regret nothing, just the last 24 hours. I hope he gets the internship he wants, I hope he does well in school though I know he will because he is so incredibly intelligent, I hope he finds himself, I hope he gets the help with his anxiety he needs, I hope that when he does date again he finds an amazing girl close by so he won't have to feel this way again. I hope she treats him right, better than I did, and I hope he's happy. He's an amazing guy and though what he did destroyed me and I don't think I'll ever truly be the same, I wish nothing but the best for him. How could I ever wish bad on someone who once made me so happy and helped me love myself?
 While we were together I kept a notebook of my feelings for him, and I hadn't updated it to recently. But if I had, I probably would've wrote how I was falling for him. How he had made me so happy. That I was so thankful for him. That his family was wonderful. That I'm so proud of him. That I'm so excited to finally be able to hangout during spring break next month, then summer break. How I'm just so immensely happy to be around him. I probably would've even wrote about how wonderful last night was. But I gave him that notebook because I can't bare to have it. I wish I had kept it and updated it then given it to him but it was just such a shock to me today I couldn't. I just needed everything of him and him gone because I didn't want to cry in front of him. I didn't want to hear his excuses. I just wanted to cry and cry and cry...
 But I hope he gets to go to Paris again. I know he was happy there... I hope he finds a girl who feels like Paris to him.
Anonymous said...

This is so sad but you're so nice, this is so nice.

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