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Nineteen

by - February 22, 2017

i was yours right // i was nineteen
  In the last few months of being nineteen, I have been happier than I've ever been. Up until recently of course. But I was extraordinarily happy and was able to do wonderful things. I was able to spend lots of time with someone I care deeply for, I was able to visit the Van Gogh exhibit at the art museum, I was able to find new music and things I now enjoy. This past year I've had the best summer ever, been able to explore new cities, traveled to a couple states, met new people, experienced new things, move into my own apartment, and much more.
 I turn twenty tomorrow and usually I dread birthdays, this year I was excited to spend it with a new person. Now that that person is gone I don't even care to celebrate it. But last night as I listened to sad records in my room staring at the ceiling I changed my mind. I want to celebrate it because I don't want to stay in this sad mindset. I don't want to be alone in my room letting myself wallow in pain and hurt. I don't want this to be how I am in the few final hours of being nineteen. I don't want this to be how I remember being nineteen. This last week of being nineteen has hurt me, but out of my entire past year of being nineteen it hasn't always felt like this.
 I found a song called nineteen by Tegan and Sara a few weeks ago and wow does it match life right now. I listened to it many times while being nineteen so I can only imagine the feelings I'll get while listening to it when I'm twenty. All the music, all the movies, all the shows, all the places I went to this past year while nineteen may have new feelings when I'm twenty. Something maybe I look back at now with regret will be something that in a few months I'll look back at differently. It's funny how time really does change things.
 Tomorrow I will spend the day in a gorgeous floral dress, with my hair done and my makeup looking nice. I will allow myself to be happy again, even if it's just for a day. I will go to dinner with family and friends, I'll laugh with them over memories from this past year and years before. Because overall, being nineteen was amazing. People always told me it was that sort of boring in-between year. You're already an adult at eighteen, but you're not in your twenties yet and you're certainly not twenty-one yet so it's just this in-between birthday and year. But this year has truly been amazing, with many photos and memories to prove it.
 Here's to being twenty. May it be filled with bigger and better experiences, memories, moments, and opportunities than the last year.

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