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"You Were Too Strong For Him"

March 24, 2017

"My sister’s boyfriend, Fox, on his last day of high school. The sun was setting, and he and his friends were all playing around. I caught him in a moment of reflection."
 My mother gave me many reasons as to why I should get over, forget about, and move on from my ex. But one reason was so confusing for me... As I cried in her bed at 4am and asked her why this could've happened and what I did that was wrong and why I didn't make him feel safe enough to speak up she told me- "You were too strong for him".
 I didn't know what she meant by that because I didn't feel strong at all. I don't have the confidence of Alexis Ren, I can't lift my own bodyweight at the gym, I can't beat anyone in a fight, I cry when I get mad in arguments. I had no idea what she meant by that at all and it puzzled me. But at the time I was too consumed by sad thoughts and the slowly overcoming wave of numbness that I'd feel for well over a month.
 Now I understand what she meant though. I may not be extremely strong physically. I may not be strong with the confidence of an Egyptian goddess. I may not be mentally strong and accepted into Harvard or Yale. But with the thing he couldn't be strong with, I was. With the thing he didn't yet know yet know how to grasp and control, I was. In the way he couldn't be strong for me or himself yet, I was. With the feeling he didn't quite understand himself, I did.
 Because I have dealt with this little, but not really so little, thing for years I was strong enough to understand it. I was strong enough to know how to handle it, deal with it, cope with it, get past it. And in that way I was too strong for him. Intellectually, physically, mentally, and all other forms of being- he was stronger. But in this one spot that really mattered, I just so happened to be too strong for his comfort. I don't know if that intimidated him, confused him, or what... but it just didn't work for him.
 Now, with all of this past me, I understand what my mother means. I am strong in a way others can't be sometimes. And sometimes that puts them off in a way I won't ever truly understand. The only way I can understand this is in such a cliche statement, it isn't you- it's them. Some people won't understand your strength for things that they themselves might not have yet or understand yet. That doesn't mean you hate them for it... you just hope they understand it eventually and wish them well. Or at least that's what I've done in my case.

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