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21 or 40 Something

by - May 31, 2017

 Recently my mom and I have dipped our toes back into the dating pool. I was timid at first about it because I didn't know if it was too soon or when is the right time. Eventually I said screw it and let my friend set me up on a double blind date. That fish was the wrong fish in the "plenty of fish in the sea" metaphor. And actually my mom has caught a few bad fish too- everyone does at some point- so we decided to go ahead and vent/rant to each other about our bad fishing trips. Enough with the fish metaphors, I promise. 
 Anyways, my mom and I have such a close bond she is certainly my best friend (one of many). So we discuss anything from bad dates to rude coworkers/clients and then some. We were both discussing this guy she went on a few dates with and the scummy thing this grown adult male did. Now I specifically would like to point out the 'grown adult' part of that sentence. The reason I want that to grab your attention is because I'm going to be comparing that to a guy my age who will come up later. 
 So this grown adult and my mom were dating and a few weeks later turns out he's on some online dating site active. AKA actively looking for women. AKA technically cheating. AKA he's pond scum. Now my mother called him out on this pond scum behavior and he basically played it off like the jerk he turned out to be. And along the point of being called out he said the words "I'm sorry you felt that way, those weren't my intentions." Remember that line. 
 My mom and I discussed and dissected that line he used because as she was trying to remember it- her and I both blurted out that exact line. How do I know it? Because a 21 year old boy used it on me too. A late 40's grown adult male and a 21 year old young adult used the same lines to dodge their own guilt and essentially put the guilt on us. 'Oh sorry your feelings are hurt, I didn't mean to make you feel that way- it's your fault for feeling that way.'
Now of course sometimes people mean it more of 'oh my gosh I'm so sorry I really didn't mean for you to feel that way I'm truly sorry about it' way. Like when your friends go out without you and they didn't invite you because they thought you were working. Obviously your friends adore you and want to hang out with you, so they didn't mean to make you feel left out- they thought you had work that night. But when a guy says all the right things, does all the right things, then does something scummy and makes you feel bad- that's different. They're using that line so they don't have to feel bad about what they did and you can instead. 
 What I got from this is that some guys don't grow up. They use lines to coward out of situations whether they're in their 20's or 40's. They'll say that line to make you feel bad or crazy for feeling hurt. They skip out of town while you're sitting there thinking 'am I crazy for feeling this way'?
 And I wanted to bring this to the fellow girls that are out here dating like my mom and I. If some guy (or even girl) says that to you- just remember you aren't crazy. You're allowed to feel hurt. 
 What's sad that we both also realized, my mom and I, is that this 40 something guy said the same thing as a 21 year old. I understand why a 21 year old would say it- he's still growing up and hopefully he realizes that is not what you say to someone who's feelings you crushed. But the 40 something year old might not grow up if he's been saying this for maybe more than 30 years. Hopefully the 40 something year old realizes he's the problem and the 21 year old just takes this under his belt for the future and doesn't repeat the same action.

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