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"You're Such a Bad Girlfriend"

by - June 16, 2017

Now it's my own anxiety that makes the conversation hard.
-Halsey

 I have thought this over and over again in my head for both of my relationships- 'you're such a bad girlfriend'.
 Now realistically I know I'm not, I'm not saying I'm the perfect girlfriend but I go out of my way to be the best girlfriend you'll ever have. Though I still feel like such a crap girlfriend some days.
 At the pre-sanger (summer banger) Jess and his roommates threw at his place, I was quiet and didn't drink. I sorta stay to the side (this was us pre-Jess and Rory by like a few days) and watched everyone do their thing. Until one of his friends brought up my old nickname in front of everyone I was probably coming off very closed and snobbish. I was able to feel utterly relaxed and comfortable around everyone once my anxiety was pushed back by the joke. But if that hadn't of happened, I would stayed quiet all night, only hung next to Jess, followed him around the rooms like a lost puppy, and not have spoken a single word above a whisper to only him. And at the one last weekend I spoke up some more but still felt too anxious to speak much.
 I hate that in my last relationship I probably came off super rude to his parents or family members. I remember at Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's and his birthday party/Super Bowl party they would all make lots of food and his mom would always ask if I liked it. If I liked the food, if I was enjoying my time, etc etc and all I could anxiously do was hope I wasn't making a fool of myself by eating my little carrots too loudly. And because when I'm anxious I can't eat- I only had a few, and I'm already awkward about eating in front of people. I still feel like I need to apologize for his mom for always buying veggie trays for me to only eat a few pieces of carrots and celery.
 I want to be the girl who hugs Jess's mother hello and is able to happily eat whatever meal she prepared when I meet her or see her again at another family function. I want to be able to make jokes with his father and share little quips about something silly Jess does. I want to be comfortable around all his friends, be a part of the jokes and not one of them (not that I'm actually a joke to any of them).
 I feel like such a crappy girlfriend when I use one of my many lines to get Jess to go have fun with his roommates without me, even though he invited me and I know wants me there. "I don't want to step in on guy time." "Go have fun with the boys, I have to finish some things up here anyways." "I'd like to but I don't want to impose on any of your roommates/friends."
 I feel like a shitty girlfriend because I overthink things with him and sometimes hold back. Even though from the start we both agreed to have open communication, and if we say no judgement or "honest answer" then we have to follow our promise- but sometimes my anxiety stops me from speaking at all.
 I feel like a bad
 My anxiety makes me feel like a crappy, bad, shitty, all of the above, girlfriend because it makes me feel insecure. I worry about everything that there is to worry about even if I may seem like I have a calm, cool, collected demeanor- secretly I'm worrying. It makes me overthink things I do, my boyfriend does, what is going on between us and everything around us. Though my anxiety is far better than what it used to be, it feels like this annoying third wheel in our relationship- one I'm not okay with tagging along.
 Even though Jess reminds me constantly that I'm not a horrid girlfriend, I still think about it and occasionally think I am... And I can see how he thinks that. When we met- I had no intentions towards a relationship with him so I didn't care how he perceived me. In fact when he first saw me, before we even spoke, he thought I was just another "woo girl" who he would talk to while I was around. When I first saw him I figured he was just this cool guy I'd meet at a party and maybe see him two more times during the year. My anxiety only kicked in when I started to like him, when he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I realized 'wow I like this kid, and I could lose him'. That's when my anxiety decided to be the third wheel that makes me feel like a crappy girlfriend...
 But that is what anxiety does, and this is what my anxiety does. It makes me feel like such a bad girlfriend.

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