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An Old Note I Wrote to Someone Else

August 09, 2017


 You'll probably date a girl with anxiety. She'll have quirks, and I know they'll probably get annoying at times- my quirks annoy me, but if you really like her, don't voice to her your annoyance no matter how mad you could become one day. Don't tell her that they annoy you or make you mad or make you hate her- only if they are truly hurting you in some horrible physical way. Because she'll remember what you said to her, even if you didn't mean it, even if you were drunk, even if you were angry. She will remember you telling her that this thing she has, this thing that is forever a part of her, is annoying. And she will forever remember that you find her annoying- because in a way, she is her anxiety.
 Her quirks are her quirks, it's part of her anxiety. Believe me she knows how bad they can get. If she's like me, she knows- and she's rather embarrassed by them. Sometimes she doesn't even notice she's doing them. Oh- and panic attacks too. She knows those are horrible and ugly and annoying and frustrating. She's been living with them and anxiety for as long as she can remember, you've only been living with her anxiety for as long as she's let you see it. You might never see all of it. You probably honestly won't ever see all of it. It's a nasty thing, a controlling thing, a thing you'll never understand-even if you have your own type of anxiety, you don't have hers. 
 So even if you get so mad one day, so mad that you two break up in a messy, heated, horrible argument- never say anything like "it's so stupid you can't order for yourself" or "you're so annoying because of this" or "you overthink everything and it's so stupid" because your words will stick with her thanks to her anxiety, that she can't always control. There's a high chance she already feels annoying, stupid, or just plain dumb for having anxiety and overthinking or not being able to order at a restaurant or leave her apartment some days. Believe me, she hates herself for it. Maybe not every day, but some days she's probably like me and gets so fed up that she's just so annoying to you that she questions why you put up with her. Which leads her to overthinking everything and anything she's ever done.
 Anxiety is this cruel and ugly thing that controls your girlfriend at times. She may notice it happening, or maybe she doesn't when it does. Anxiety causes her to need constant reassurance, brings up things that are life threatening to her but minuscule to you, makes her overthink the grammar and punctuation marks in your texts, causes her to worry about what your friends say when she is or isn't there. It's this ugly, ugly, thing. 
 So be patient and just be there and learn to love those quirks. If she's anything like me- she basically lives in a prison inside her mind.

-written 9/16/16

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