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"Goodbye Dean"

August 23, 2017


 "I'm writing this in the back of an uber at 7:44 am. I'm tired, I'm heading to work, and this sad sounding love song is playing on the radio. My driver is nice, he's letting me sit quietly because he can probably tell I'm exhausted. My neighbor kept me up till 3am playing music, granted it was Friday night so I should've expected it again. 
 But I'm writing this because I guess I just want to say I'm getting over you. I know I sound like a broken record saying that but I am. I've never done this before, dealt with a breakup. Sure I've had something similar and the guy left the same way. He just went MIA after he said he found someone else. But we weren't together, we weren't like what you and I were. But it still felt like what I assumed, at the time, a breakup would be like. I was wrong. 
 But maybe this is how it really is. You get these moments where thinking about the person gets easier and you realize, I'm over them. Like these chunks of relief- or not relief, realization. The better word is realization, not relief. But you get these moments where it just hits you that thinking of that person gets easier to handle and you realize you're slowly getting over them. 
 And after almost three months, I think I'm over you. You don't really pop into my mind anymore. I'm not afraid to see you at the Kroger by my grandparents. I'm not jittery when I drive past your neighborhood, thinking with my luck you'll pull up to the stop light and I'll end up crashing into the person in front of me. Songs don't remind me of you as much as they used to. I can watch 10 Things I Hate About You and not think about you. Thinking of you doesn't bring me sadness or joy or pain or hurt or anything anymore, just a mute feeling. I've unconsciously blocked out a lot of things we did together, only little things trigger some memories I thought I totally forgot about. I'm indifferent to you coming back into my life as a friend or not, as harsh as that probably sounds I don't mean it that way. 
 I really don't know what to write anymore. I mean, I'm only ever going to give you this notebook if we actually see each other again. Or maybe I'll mail it, I'm not sure yet. But maybe those three months was all we were really supposed to be in each other's lives for. I don't truly believe that but with it almost being May, well I mean you still haven't messaged me asking for coffee or anything at all. Not that I really ever believed you would. 
I guess you were just a part of my life to teach me a lesson. To teach me not to be so naive, to not be so trusting of people you really don't know, to think with my brain and not always my heart. Maybe to teach me that people aren't always as purely good as I used to believe they are. To not let myself be so gullible as to think people don't always leave. Maybe to think that sometimes you don't get closure, but you still need to move on. To maybe teach myself how to let go of someone who's toxic. To teach myself that I can move past literally any form of loss now. 
 Who knows?"

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