The Worst Year

 This has been the worst year of my life. I say that knowing I have had years that probably look much worse on paper, but deep down- I mark it as this year. You'd probably never know by the fun loving and 'cool' demeanor I post on Instagram. But that's what Instagram is for isn't it? To post the highlights and picture perfect moments? I do refer to Instagram as my digital scrapbook so why would I want to post the sad times like when I tried to kill myself in March and May? Or when I had to pull myself up by the boot straps, push college aside for a bit longer, and take care of my dad? Or when I had a panic attack waking up in my own bed for two weeks straight back in February? Or when I started cutting again after a horrid weekend of bullshit back in May? Or when I accidentally broke a glass a few weeks ago and fell to the floor screaming and crying like I was Maggie in Love and Other Drugs.

 My boss has seen and heard some of the great things that has happened this year, and I'll admit- it has been a productive and successful year for me. He said he is so proud of me, and vice versus for his accomplishments this year too. I passed my drivers test on the third try, I got a really good car, I renewed my lease for my apartment, I got a raise at work, I've found myself with a man who has made me feel better than anyone else has, I have new friends that are truly good people, and more. But when you look back at the amount of stress, and the toll my mental health has taken this year- it has been the worse.
 I have really pushed aside my own mental health, like I usually do, to make sure other people are better off. I have such a hypocritical mindset for myself. I want to be a psychologist so I can help people, but then I won't help myself because I don't feel like I deserve it. I take on other peoples' battles and stresses. My own boyfriend called me out for it but also praised me for it at the same time. He said he adores how empathic I am, how much of an empath I am. "If more people thought like you we could've had world peace years ago." He told me as I twisted my ring around my finger anxiously waiting for the 'but' of the sentence. And then it came. He said I am epitaphic to a fault, that I care too much. I worry too much. I stress too much. I dwell too much. And I admit it, I do, I know I do. It's a fault I have with caring too much.
 And this year I have truly pushed aside my health mentally and slightly physically to appease other people. It's a fault I have, I'm okay with having, and something I need to tweak a little bit. I'm working on it, I'm trying to fix it in a way- I truly am. But when you're like this for twenty years it's going to take a while to change, to grow.
 But this last year, this worst year of my life, I've also learned a lot. Which hopefully will help me grow even more and allow things to click into my mind so I can push forward. I always try to think things into a lesson, which may be another fault of mine, but it helps. So here's to the worst year of my life hopefully ending early, let's cut it short at 8 or 9 months. I can't wait for this blip, this static, to disappear from my life dear god. I am so over crying in my shower. I'm over beating myself down for the stupid things I do. I am so done with comparing myself to others. I had a few months of a go-with-the-flow attitude with a pinch of I-don't-give-a-fuck sprinkled in there, but apparently it didn't stick around. Now I'm not saying I want to go back to the numb blah that I was in March and April but I'd like a good balance. I'd love to not worry too much and let things go as they do, but I also want to worry about the things that do need their attention. So hopefully I find that balance somewhere sometime soon. And hopefully other people do too because I know out of all the people in this world, I'm not the only one having a bad year.
 As J.D. would say 'everybody's life has static. Is yours perfect?'

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