"Goodbye Karev"
We spend our whole lives worrying about the future, planning for the future, trying to predict the future, as if figuring it out will cushion the blow. You told me at first you never think of the future, but now you see one with me. Then you told me you didn't see us together at thirty like you thought maybe I did- well I didn't. I didn't see us making it past your college graduation in two years. In fact, two weeks into our relationship I almost broke up with you because I didn't see a future together past a few months, I never saw myself uttering the words "I love you". But like everyone knows, you can't predict the future. The future is always changing. The future is the home of our deepest fears and wildest hopes. But one thing is certain when it finally reveals itself. The future is never the way we ever could have imagined it. So I stuck with you because I didn't want to force something to an end when I could've been wrong because even though I didn't see long term, I saw a great short term. Of course I was even wrong with that but still.
But now I know, thanks to you, that I deserve better. I don't deserve someone who is going to blame me for their own change. I deserve someone who welcomes change because they know that changing isn't always a bad thing. I deserve someone who knows growing up isn't as scary as we were told. You can't hold on to the old you or the old this and that. Change is a thing that happens in life, and people do change- and it's not in a bad way. You change, and maybe everything around you changes, but you're still the same person really. So now I know, I deserve someone who is going to change and grow with me. So here I am, telling you goodbye- because I don't think I did when I shut my apartment door on you. But I'm not going to chase you to California so I'll say it here in this journal I was writing in while we were together. I'm saying goodbye to you, all of you.
And do you know, I can't remember the last time we kissed. Because you never think the last time will be the last time, you always think there will be more. You think, at least in that moment of that kiss, you have forever but you don't. I can't remember our last kiss. And I do wish that I could remember the last time we were happy, as pathetic as that sounds, but I can't remember it. I can't remember the last time we kissed...
Here is the last entry... goodbye
0 comments