Translate

"Goodbye Karev"

September 08, 2017

 "You know I have some final words for you Jess Karev, some words I had and things unsaid in the five minutes it took for us to break up. You had this thing about change that you threw at me, that you pushed on me. Well guess what- things change. We don’t like it, we fear it, but we can’t stop it from coming. It is ever present and always there. You are changing every second of your life just like the direction of the wind. We either adapt to change, or we get left behind. You got left behind. You will forever be left behind in the time I was twenty. Soon all of the cells in my body will change and it'll be like your lips never touched my forehead. Soon it'll be like your fingers never traced my skin. Even my thoughts will change. The little supercut of me laying on your bed watching you play the same tune over and over again will change to me watching a new man do something else at his desk as I lay on his bed. The tune lingering in my head, I Had A Real Good Lover will fade into something else. I will change, and it will be for the better. And it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn’t is lying. It will always hurt to change and grow and be different but you have to to survive. You went from living in one house all your life to changing cities and living else where- leaving your old life behind. That's change- it hurts, but it happens. And here’s the truth: The more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, sometimes change is good. Sometimes change, is, everything.
 We spend our whole lives worrying about the future, planning for the future, trying to predict the future, as if figuring it out will cushion the blow. You told me at first you never think of the future, but now you see one with me. Then you told me you didn't see us together at thirty like you thought maybe I did- well I didn't. I didn't see us making it past your college graduation in two years. In fact, two weeks into our relationship I almost broke up with you because I didn't see a future together past a few months, I never saw myself uttering the words "I love you". But like everyone knows, you can't predict the future. The future is always changing. The future is the home of our deepest fears and wildest hopes. But one thing is certain when it finally reveals itself. The future is never the way we ever could have imagined it. So I stuck with you because I didn't want to force something to an end when I could've been wrong because even though I didn't see long term, I saw a great short term. Of course I was even wrong with that but still.
 But now I know, thanks to you, that I deserve better. I don't deserve someone who is going to blame me for their own change. I deserve someone who welcomes change because they know that changing isn't always a bad thing. I deserve someone who knows growing up isn't as scary as we were told. You can't hold on to the old you or the old this and that. Change is a thing that happens in life, and people do change- and it's not in a bad way. You change, and maybe everything around you changes, but you're still the same person really. So now I know, I deserve someone who is going to change and grow with me. So here I am, telling you goodbye- because I don't think I did when I shut my apartment door on you. But I'm not going to chase you to California so I'll say it here in this journal I was writing in while we were together. I'm saying goodbye to you, all of you.
 And do you know, I can't remember the last time we kissed. Because you never think the last time will be the last time, you always think there will be more. You think, at least in that moment of that kiss, you have forever but you don't. I can't remember our last kiss. And I do wish that I could remember the last time we were happy, as pathetic as that sounds, but I can't remember it. I can't remember the last time we kissed...

Here is the last entry... goodbye Jess Mariano, have a good life. I know you can do great things if you sit down and actually put your mind to it."

You Might Also Like

0 comments

Popular Posts

Instagram