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Talking to Myself

September 20, 2017

 I talk to myself quiet often, in fact you can probably catch me doing it out and about by the facial expression I make when talking to myself in my head while out. But when I'm talking to myself in my apartment at 2 am in my underwear and an old shirt making a little snack, I'm not exactly talking to myself. Yes, sometimes, I'm actually talking to my cat- but most times I'm talking out conversations to other people. Usually people who have left and have left me without closure, or left me with words unsaid that I'm dying to speak. Even if I only speak those words to the empty air in my apartment. I imagine them sitting on the stool across from me at the edge of the bar in my kitchen. I imagine them sitting on my couch, or leaning against the wall between my bedroom door and family room.
 Sometimes I'll say the things I wish I said in a past conversation, maybe something I was too scared to say or what just didn't happen to come out. And I imagine their reply. Usually they're fights. When I'm talking to old people I used to know, they're usually fights. They quickly turn into fights because these words that were left unsaid have stirred within me and my emotions have gotten the better of me. But by the time they end, my emotions have calmed and my chest feels lighter, my heart doesn't feel as heavy anymore. I feel better about getting these things off my chest and out of my mind. I don't always have the other person reply with what I want to hear. I think my subconscious takes over for them and replies with what I know they'd actually say, even if it's not something I wanted to hear. I find closure in that, allowing my subconscious to say what I knew, though they never spoke it themselves.
 Other times I'm speaking to myself, it's to remind myself things are okay. I'm very hypocritical on how I treat myself. If someone else is having a bad day and their anxiety is getting to them, I'm careful with them and remind them everyone has bad days. If all you could do was pull yourself out of bed and only brush your teeth and hair, at least you did that. But when it comes to myself, I'm cold and harsh. I attack myself for only brushing my hair and teeth. One day I could only open the blinds, change my sheets to fresh ones, shower and wash my hair then put on clean pjs but I still attacked myself for not doing enough. So I'll talk to myself as if I'm somebody else- telling me what I'd tell others. I'm careful with myself during days like those. And it wasn't until recently that there was an actual face to my subconscious reminding me that I'm okay, that my anxiety is just bad right now but after the gym later I'll feel better. Now I imagine my subconscious and the person it has given itself sitting on my kitchen counter reminding me to drink some water and eat an apple. I see them relaxing in my bed telling me to open the windows for some sunshine and fresh air. It's like a good ghost following me around, reminding me to do the things I need to do. But that little ghost is also there to remind me that when my depression makes me feel worthless, that I'm really not.
 Overall when I think about this, I think I know why it's become more present in my life. The whole thing about myself talking to myself. I started watching Grey's Anatomy again from the beginning like I always do as I wait for the next season. When I look back at what episode's I was on when I started to talk to myself again I realize I picked it up form Izzie. Hell this is probably why I've been doing it for so long, I've been watching Grey's Anatomy for years. But when Denny dies and she starts talking to him again, it's much like that. Again, crazy I know. But I swear I'm not dying, it's just this trick I've learned to do to better myself. Like I've said a hundred times- I am so hypocritical of myself. So when I have this personal Denny Duquette reminding me to eat lunch, drink more water, put down the razor blade, go for a walk outside, wash your hair, and more things- I do them because it's as if someone else (my subconscious) is telling me to do it. It's this truly crazy thing, I know- believe me. But I'm not the only one who does it, I know many people who have done it and still do it to get through some tough days. I've even told some of my close friends about it, and one started doing it as well. She said it helps her out too. She now has her own Denny Duquette sitting on her kitchen counter telling her "you have 3 minutes before your food is ready, so just do as many dishes as you can until the timer goes off". She said she's found herself becoming more productive. And she's also gotten the closure she's needed from people, she's admitting to the things she knew but never wanted to believe.
 So yes, I talk to myself. I talk to myself a lot to remind myself of important things, to get closure in situations that I can not, or to figure out the scramble of emotions that are clouding my head. It sounds crazy, and perhaps I am a little bit- but it helps, and it works.


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