Recently #MeToo was trending, and if you don't know what it is about then I highly suggest scrolling through any social media you have on that tag. If you still don't understand it, I'll post this caption from Sophia Bush that I also posted on my Instagram story.

*Trigger warning*
I just wanted to add this warning into my post that this post does discuss the topics of sexual assault, rape, and sexual harassment.


It's shocking to see how many men are shocked. That women they know, perhaps even EVERY woman they know, has been sexually harassed. Sexually assaulted. This problem reaches farther than Harvey. Or Donald. (Both of whom, by the way, I hope get their due.) We live in a country where 1 in 4 women is assaulted or raped by the time she leaves college. And those numbers come from what gets reported. Estimates put the true stats at 1 in 2. Half of all women. By the age of 22. And if you scoff at that reality, you are part of the problem. If you are feeling a little uneasy, wondering if your behavior is part of the problem? It is. I promise you. If you're a woman who has been manipulated or bullied into feeling like her assault was her fault? It was not. There is no excuse for the behavior of abusers. And so many abusers are adept at psychological and emotionally abuse, thus masterful manipulators.

#MeToo is about women speaking out that they too have been sexually assaulted, harassed, raped, etc. and the amount of #MeToo's that I saw on my Facebook feed from friends was horrifying. So I spoke out a bit more on my Instagram story 'documenting' the times I remember that I have been harassed or assaulted and where men have attempted to rape me. I shared who these things were done by and how old I was. That I can specifically remember- I was as young as 18 (but I know there were more instances that my brain has probably reprogrammed to think of them as something else less than assault or harassment) and as recently as this June. 
 I lost about a thousand followers, some of who even messaged me and saying how I shouldn't be speaking of this- one even messaged me being concerned for my ex who I didn't name in the list but I did say "a now ex" for. They were concerned he would see it, and thought it was wrong of me to post it since we did date for a while. I even had people emailing me through here saying to take it down- my ex might see it.
 To that I say fuck it. If he sees it, if his friends see it, or if his family sees it then I say fuck it. Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it! I know now that I should've ended that relationship back in June when he did what he did. He decided to ignore my straight up "NO" that I said to him and do his best to let it 'accidentally' happen. Literally minutes after I said no to what he was trying, and with him well aware that someone had attempted to rape me in the past. When I finally realized what he was doing after 15 minutes of him trying to 'accidentally' have it happen- his excuse was "well, from what you're doing it seems like you want it." At the time, I instantly felt guilty for leading him on, I felt like him trying to do that to me after I gave him a big fat no on the consent train was my fault. Even though 20 minutes ago I clearly said NO. I felt bad, so I let him stay the night and I stayed in the relationship until someone finally sat me down while I was away from him and ousted every bad thing I ignored. That night was the key factor when I finally told someone what he tried and what he did.
 What I should have done was kicked him out of my apartment, yelled at him and called him out for his actions (which I only did until he said 'well...'), and broken up with him. Because what he did was sexual assault, for 15 minutes he sexually assaulted me and then pinned it on my actions even though I said no. 
 So if he saw that, or his friends did, or his family did- I hope he shakes in his boots. I hope he feels nervous, I hope he sweats, I hope he double checks my feed to see if I wrote his name in public yet. Because when I realized what he was doing I was nervous. I realized what he was doing within 5 minutes- but it took me 5 more minutes to not be naive about it and another 5 to speak up and call him out on it.
 And to the frat guy who assaulted me when I was 18- I remember your name, and I hope one day you somehow stumble upon this and remember me as the girl you thought was too drunk to notice you groping her. You guessed wrong, I was as stone cold sober as you, I was drinking water out of a red plastic cup. That's why I kept pushing your hands away and finally got my friend.
 To the "friend's" ex- I wrote a whole bunch of blog posts about you last year when I was 19. Remember me? I still know your name too unfortunately. You have the same name as my ex's dad, as one of my favorite singers, as my middle school next door neighbor's. I could easily type your name into a post and press publish. And I remember the comment you made about watching Friends and how the A/C must be on in here.
 To the older guy "friend" who constantly came to my apartment drunk, who harassed me at my friends' pool, who still to this day "checks in" on me trying to hook up. I was 19 when it first happened. You know what you did- you know how much of a living Hell you made my life for a while. You only come around when I'm in relationships trying to scare the boys off. I remember your name, it's hard to forget when it pops up as "____ _____ is typing..." on Snapchat.
 The guy at the bar is lucky- I don't remember his name. But my first boyfriend remembers how you ruined our night when he came down to see me. I came back from the bar, brought him dinner, and when he went to kiss me I kept pushing him away and turning my face. At first he thought it was my silly little fake "oh stop it" thing I do when I'm trying not to give in to his affection. But then he realized what it was- and he asked about you. I remember what you're wearing and what you said as you blocked me from leaving the bar until my friend finally pushed you away. You ruined my night and I hope somewhere out there someone ruins all of yours. I was only 19- and you were well in your thirties. My then boyfriend broke up with me a few weeks later and you were one of the reasons I think he did. Along with my older guy "friend".
 And lastly my now ex. I was 20. I said no. You were the only one I was able to say no to. The only one I had called out- until you stopped me with your excuse. But from now on, I'm not listening to excuses when this happens again- because sadly it will happen again. You are the one who truly hurt me because I did say no to you, you promised to never hurt me, and you manipulated me. 

 But to all of you- I hope one day I can out you. I hope all the women and men in the world who know their attackers names can one day out you all. If there is ever a list of these people who have hurt the ones who did and didn't say 'Me Too' just know, by then I will add your names to the list. Because I am done cowering, I am done taking the long way around campus trying to avoid you, I am done putting my schedule around yours so I don't see you, and I am done staying quiet. From me and from women everywhere. We are roaring, alright.

My Instagram

Copyright © Sophie Kinsey 1997. Made with by OddThemes