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My Playlist

October 13, 2017


Today I was talking to a friend about a whirlwind of things. I absolutely adore talking to this friend of mine because we are so similar and have the same mindset on just getting into really deep topics. We started talking about mental health, actually on national mental health day without even knowing it... which led to speaking of social media, how much of my life I share, how my Instagram is highlights while my blog is the nitty gritty. He asked me if I was ever afraid of people knowing and understanding everything about me, perhaps even better than I know myself.
 In some aspects yes, I am. I am afraid to let people in, to know the bad things about me, to see all my flaws, to get close enough to me to make me vulnerable. I'm dark and twisty inside and I'm fragile, poke me and on a bad day I could break. But at the same time, putting all my cards out on the table gives me the power in a way. Me showing my flaws, the workings of my mind, and so many things about me is in some way a good thing.
 It gives me the upper hand in some ways, and it helps me out in others. When I went to school with this friend of mine years ago I was bullied by this kid. As the resident new kid I had to be "taught" by the popular girl who was in charge. This meant her recruiting my neighbor to tell her all the things I told my neighbor and "friend" in secret. All the insecurities I had, all the thoughts I put to words, and all my family troubles. This petty girl would then use those things against me, hold them over my head. She tormented my life and forced me to leave that school, if I didn't I can honestly say I wouldn't be alive now.
 When I did move, and became the new girl again- I made a choice to out my "dirty laundry". I laid my cards on the table for all to see whenever I was asked about them. No more letting those "popular" girls who peaked in high school use stupid things to get at me. I remember one instance where the resident "popular" girl asked me if my shorts were from Goodwill with a dumb tone to her voice, this was before Thrift Shop had come out and thrifting became trendy. She asked me that in front of her annoying little posse that followed every command and whim. I told her yes, in fact they were. She laughed, and to that I told her which Goodwill they were from and if she wanted to start thrifting I knew some great spots. A year after Thrift Shop came out I saw her and her group thrifting at the same store I had been going to for years. After graduation I saw her at some house party where her older brother was at. Him and I were talking like we were best friends forever and he was drunkenly complimenting me and telling me how jealous his sister was of me. She walked in 20 minutes later and she acted like she didn't know who I was- yet we both knew she had been following me on Instagram since 2016 (and still to this day). And now she watches my Instagram story.
 She tried to mess with me, and yes some days it got to me when I was already having a rough time or when she went to drastic measures to try to destroy me due to her own jealousy. But for the most part I would pretty much out my own flaws and sad past. When I did say out loud some of the sad things that had happened in my past or things that were happening in the present, I would get messages on Facebook from other people at my school. They would talk to me about how they were sorry that girl was being that cliche high school popular bully- but they also wanted to talk about what I was going through. Saying they could related and that they found comfort knowing they weren't alone.
 Back to my discussion about people knowing almost everything about me- there's actually a lot people don't know. But one thing he said I found interesting- "Like now I know you like blackbear. I feel weird knowing that now." and he told me how you can learn a lot from someone and what music they listen to. And now some things he thought about me have been confirmed just by him knowing I like blackbear. So we made a playlist. We each made a playlist of all of our favorite songs. It took us about an hour I think, he had 59 songs, I had 58- but I deleted an old Taylor Swift song minutes after sending him my link. We instantly noticed how we had some similar tastes. We both have Sex by The 1975 on there, plus some other of their songs. I almost put Same Drugs by Chance, he has it on his but I put All We Got on mine. I have three Parachute songs on there and he laughed about it being a tribute to our middle school days. We both have a Ryan Adams cover from Taylor Swift's 1989 cover album. We are both going to listen to each other's playlists tomorrow and while he might be able to confirm many thoughts about me by listening to mine- I have no idea what thoughts to even think of. I'm racking my brain to try and think of things but honestly this kid is such a mystery and is so careful about what he says. He rarely talks about himself and I can't tell if he just doesn't like to or doesn't want to- so I stupidly fill up the spaces with annoying info about myself. But I'm sitting here thinking, listening to these playlists will probably answer many of his questions while it will also at the same time probably fill me many questions of my own.
 We grouped them: the last 29 songs of mine are sadder songs, but even within that group there are groupings of them. So I'm dying to see how he grouped his and what the possible feelings or meanings behind those are. They're all of our favorites, and like he said- you can learn a lot from a persons favorite music.
 Anyways- I write all of this because I'm sharing my playlist with you too. I share, and over share, basically everything I do. So maybe you have questions too. Maybe you're just coming over here from my Instagram and you've never been on my blog before- so you just know one little piece of me. Maybe this playlist will put answers to your questions, who knows. But here you go- here's my total mess of a playlist.

A Total Mess

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