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Naive and Stubborn

October 20, 2017

 I have been called naive and stubborn on many, many, occasions. I am naive to think that there is good in everyone. I know that. I am stubborn because I won't change my mind on that.  I am naive to think that people change. I am stubborn when I am constantly changing. I am naive to think life is all rainbow and butterflies. I am stubborn due to the fact that I only ever look at the good things outside.
 I have been told my naiveness is a flaw. I have been told my stubbornness is a flaw. They aren't, neither of them are. They are two qualities of mine I like- I love. In fact, they shape a lot of who I am and how I'm viewed by others.
 I have been hurt by people, I have been hurt by many people many of times. I know hurt, I know pain, I know sorrow, and I know destruction. I am naive to think that people in my future won't hurt me, but guess what- I know they will. It is inevitable. But I am stubborn in this instance because I choose to stay naive about it. I choose to believe people won't hurt me, I choose to believe the next man I date won't up and leave, won't hit me, won't lie to me, or any other thing that is mean and nasty. But wait a few months and you'll see that in some way he has done something to hurt me in some way. Whether drastically or in a minor way.
 I choose to be naive because I don't like feeling sad, I don't like wallowing in pity or feeling blue. I have been told that I feel negative feelings more than positive ones. I agree with that statement whole heartedly. That's why I don't like to be cynical even though I partially am. Because when I feel cynical, when I feel sad, when I feel upset in the slightest I feel it with every cell in my being. So if I choose to be stubborn, I choose to be naive- I don't feel those things as much. I feel butterflies when I look at the man I'm with instead of doubt and dread- waiting for him to hurt me like the last two have. I feel that spark you're supposed to feel when holding their hand, something I haven't felt yet in a relationship. I feel safe in their arms, not temporary asylum like I felt in the arms of another.
 If I am not stubborn, I'll cave. If I am not naive, I'll be cynical. So let me be- let me be naive, stubborn, and hopeful in life and in relationships. Because I have been drowning before, I have felt the overwhelming sadness that consumed me like water in my lungs. And when I felt all of that the only things that brought me afloat was to be naive. The next day will be good, the next man will be great, the next job will be better, nothing will ever be bad again.
 Why feel the need to change me from being the stubborn woman I am when I'm happy this way? I know things suck some days, I know people are assholes, realistically I know that so I take precautions in certain ways. People cut you off in traffic so you drive carefully. People steal your blanket that you used to claim your spot at a movie in the park- so you have one person save the spot while the other person gets food next time. And that's what I do, I take precautions but I stay stubborn. It is as simple and as complicated as that.

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