Virginity- A Social Construct

 I have sort of weird standards and rules as well as thoughts on sex itself. Do I believe that virginity is a social construct? Yes, actually I do. I didn't for a very, very long time. I thought it was this precious thing that I would hold on to for dear life like I'm April Kepner and 25 years old still determined to keep it. And if you think of it that way then that's your thing, I totally understand it and completely get it. But for me, now that I'm a bit older and have grown a lot more I think it's just a social concept.
 Before I did it I thought of it like that, something I'd hold on to and give to someone I deeply cared for. I'd be in a relationship and maybe after a few months we'd reach that level and it would be all the hype that the movies you watch say it is.
 Oh my god, it isn't like that at all- not saying it wasn't special but dear lord I've never seen a socially awkward girl say stupid things like I did after it was over in any movies or shows. When he asked me if I was okay and how I felt- I awkwardly raised my fists in the air and meekly said "like a woman" to him. I also internally freaked out because I was filled with guilt that I just gave this precious thing of mine away to someone I didn't love and at the moment never saw myself loving. But after a few days I started thinking about the whole virginity thing and when I looked at myself in the mirror I didn't look any different. I wasn't miraculously a new woman or damaged or whatever else people say happens afterward. I was still me, extremely mousy and awkward with the same brown hair, brown eyes, pale complexion. It was just like any other day in January I've ever had, and so was the next day, and the next day, and the next day.
 Remember how Chris Evans told his mom he lost his virginity? That was me- I told my mom all panicky that I needed to tell her something, and she put her head in her hands and I told her what I did and started crying. She started laughing behind her hands and I thought she was so disappointed in me. Once she realized I was crying she picked her head up and hugged me saying it's okay, all while laughing of course. The reason I was so scared is that she had always told me to save it- to wait. She came from a strong Catholic background- I even went to Catholic school until third grade. After that, she sat me down and told me to ignore what she had said before. That, in order to really know if you connect with someone in all ways possible and that they are good for you-you do in fact need to connect physically too. We never discussed virginity being a social construct but with the way, my mom thinks I bet she believes in that too.
 I still have rules about things like when it's the right time to have sex with someone in a relationship. Emphasis on the relationship because I know I am too much of an emotional person to just have a one night stand or friends with benefits kind of thing. That's just me personally- I get them, I actually understand them. You want that temporary satisfaction and feelings that sex gives you because of the chemicals that it produces in your brain. But from most guys and girls I've talked to they always speak of hookups and bad afterward. Like a dessert cart- you see it, you know it's not really that good for you, but you indulge in it. You get a little taste, you like it, so you eat the whole slice of cake. You feel good during and afterward for a bit. But then the sinking feeling of what you just did creeps in- the fact that the cake is sugary, fattening, might make you break out, maybe you cheated on your diet, maybe you ate so much you know you've gained weight from all of it. Whatever other metaphorical situation I can insert there can go there. So I don't do them. And in relationships, I wait a few months.
 Plus with this whole virginity thing- it dampens women. It made me think badly of myself. Like the number of men I slept with defined who I was- the higher the number the lesser of a woman I was. Which was I slut-shaming myself after my first relationship ended and I realized what part of me he would take with him forever? That social construct of virginity. I was afraid my next partner would look at me differently because of my number of 'one'. But that's bullshit. If you consider a woman less pure after you've touched her, maybe you should take a look at your hands...

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