I'm Happy Alone

 I stopped dating, actually I stopped for a bit a while ago but I'm just now talking about it. I've been telling family members who have asked that I just am happier single. I told them I'm focusing on the new job I'm working at, and soon I can use the excuse school once my classes start up. I can probably muster up other excuses like I spend too much time at the gym, or something like that. But honestly I just stopped dating because I don't feel like it- my heart isn't in it and neither is my head.
 I'm happier alone, I wasn't for a bit but I am now. I am no longer with someone who is wasting my time and is toxic for me. I am spending more time with friends actually going out and doing things. I've gone to festivals, to abandoned buildings, to hiking trails, and to new restaurants. I'm trying new things, I'm getting out of my comfort zone, I'm meeting new people and making new friends. I'm doing more now than when I was in a relationship. Plus whenever I stop dating is when the right people usually walk into my life. It always happens like that, I say I'm done then someone good walks in.
 But at the same time, I've stopped dating for another reason. It's also because it's hard. When I first started dating and met Dean, I wanted a long lasting relationship. I didn't think- I will marry this man, but I did figure we'd be together for a year or two until he graduated college and moved to New York City. Then we'd have that sappy breakup that you see at the end of *spoilers* La La Land where we both still loved each and blah blah blah let my hopeless romantic self live a little. I was ready- I wanted something with a person where we could grow together. I knew it would be hard, I knew it would require effort, and I knew it would be something awesome at the same time. All that cliche relationship things that you hear from people that are also true. But then it ended and I lost myself for a while.
 Then rolls around Karev- he walked into my life and I was ready again. He said his intentions were true and his feelings were stronger than he's ever felt before. But he lied and after him I don't feel ready anymore. It's tiring- I'm sick of being ready for relationships and then getting into them with boys who aren't actually ready to put in the effort required to have a great relationship.
 I'm tired of getting into these relationships and then coming out of them bruised and tired. Then I have to start all over again, from putting myself back together again to dating again. I say I'm happy alone because I don't want to have to put myself back together again. No matter how happy I seemed after Karev still a bit of me was bruised and damaged a bit. I'm tired, and I'm afraid.
 I'm afraid that this will keep happening. That I'll be ready again, and I'll get into a relationship again and it'll end- again. I was afraid of my second relationship ending within three months like the first one did and look what happened... At first I thought something was wrong with me but then it took me a good month to realize nothing was wrong with me. Now I'm afraid if it happens again, or it lasts a lot longer and I do fall in love and it's a sudden ending. Something like my first- no warning signs, I just wake up one morning and five minutes later he's leaving me.
 So in a way, I am happy to be alone. I am happier while single. But I am also single because I'm tired of this, and I'm afraid that the next relationship I start will have me start to lean on that person and get too comfortable. And while thinking- I shouldn't have to be on my toes waiting for them to leave or for this to end. It's a catch 22 in a way, all of it. It's a total mess inside my head but if you've been in my position maybe you understand. Until then, I'll continue exploring and trying new things while single and if someone stumbles along into my life one day- maybe I'll let them in... but probably not.

 "There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever."

-written 10/27/17

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