1/22/17

by - December 27, 2017


 I'm not sure if I'll ever post this, or if it'll just sit in my drafts forever. But if I posted this, it most likely means we are over, or we are the lucky ones who made it through. This will probably be my longest, most ramblie-est blog post ever. But that's because as soon as I walked through my apartment door to an empty place, other than cat, I realized what I had been thinking over and over again may be true.
 I think I'm falling in love with you. The past week I've been wanting to say my usual "Goodbye, I love you." ending to a phone call when I go to hang up with you. It's been randomly popping into my head lately, me just thinking the words "I love you". At first I thought it was just because you're the only one I don't say it to that I talk to over the phone. Our generation isn't really know for our phone calls, yet you call me almost every night for almost an hour to two hours. My mom told me to stop overthinking it and just go with it, but I overthink, it's what I do. So I chalked it up to that, I'm just over thinking it. And it just kept popping into my head for some weird reason like that embarrassing thing I did in 8th grade does occasionally.
 I think I started to realize that it wasn't a fluke, but I wasn't yet falling in love with you, on our one month anniversary. You let me browse the book store for an hour while carrying a basket filled with my books, there were twenty of them. You picked out some classics for me too, including Ernest Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises, which you said you truly enjoyed. I realized it again when you were kissing me back at my place after dinner. I had started laughing and like always you asked what I was laughing about. I smiled and told you you tasted like Mexican food, you chuckled and said I did too. Again, later that night, I noticed how strongly I liked you so quickly. Festival of Lights at the zoo, I asked if you were enjoying yourself even though we were with my mom and sister. You said yes, you really were, that you liked my family and loved the zoo. You got along well with my sister, and my mother loved you already- I could just tell.
 I didn't realize that maybe I was very, painfully slowly, falling in love with you until I got home the next night. A week or so before you told me that you had a secret but wouldn't tell me, and it involved me. For some reason I thought maybe it was that you were falling in love with me already. I'm not sure why I thought that but I did. The idea terrified me to no end, I was so scared you were going to say you loved me after three weeks. It ended up being that you were crazy about me, it wasn't that you were in love.

 This is my first real relationship. My first, you are here and so am I, relationship. My first, we could end up together relationship. And I am so terrified but so happy at the same time. At the beginning I was so scared to mess something up, I was scared because of my past something would go wrong. But you were so incredibly understanding. When panic attacks came on, you held my hand. With flashbacks of what had happened to me before you, you told me to open my eyes and just look at you. When I needed to stop something you shut it down right away.
 And then today happened. You showed up at my place after a bad night and sat me down and told me that we needed to talk. Instantly I felt this twinge in my heart and asked if you were breaking up with me. Minutes later you were saying you didn't think things were working out, that you didn't want to waste my time, that we wanted different things. Instantly, with each thing you said I felt my heart twinge more and more. It was so physically painful to just sit there and be shellshocked by your words. Literally the night before we were fine and everything normal. Then here you are saying it's not going to work out. I went to my bedroom and grabbed your Miami sweatshirt, which I sleep with basically every night, and put it on your backpack. I grabbed your moose socks, your birthday present I was so excited to give you, and anything else that was yours and put it there. I was so numb but could feel all the pain gathered in my chest. I'm still numb hours later, I feel so lost and confused.
 We talked for like five hours though and worked things out, you even called me when you got home and I called you back when I got to my moms. We worked things out and I know we are okay now but during me crying on your shoulder asking 'why' I realize I told you I was falling in love with you. You asked me what I was thinking and I told you it was pointless now, but you asked again like you always do. I sadly laughed and whispered "I was falling in love with you". You didn't hear it so I repeated myself saying "I was falling in love with you".
 I didn't realize it till now that it's the truth. I'm slowly falling in love with you and I know you aren't there yet and who knows if you'll ever get there or if I'll ever fully get there. After today I know things will be a bit different even though you say everything is fine. I know I'll be timid and scared that around the corner will be more heartbreak. But obviously if I'm posting this then it means one of two things.
 We worked it out and we're fine, maybe we're at a great stage in our relationship. Or we're really done, and probably have been done for a while. Who knows... But as of right now I know I don't want to go through something like today again. At least for a while. I don't want to feel that type of pain in my chest again for a while.

 Now it's almost Valentine's Day and I am so totally excited. I just want to spend time with you whether it's hanging out at my place or going out to eat. I've never celebrated Valentine's Day for real so this is sort of huge and extremely special for me. It'll be our three month anniversary just days after Valentine's Day so if you aren't able to come down to Clifton I'm pretty sure I'm going to see if you're off work and surprise you at your place in Oxford. I know I said I'm okay with not celebrating every anniversary but I know how you feel about us being apart and I really like being with you. I made sure to take an extra shift at work to cover the uber there and back but it's totally worth it. Valentine's Day though, that's what I'm excited for. Your birthday was just the other day and I just got back from having your birthday party with your family. I know I'm still sort of nervous around your friends and family, believe me I feel horrible about that, but just give me a couple more times and I know I'll open up. Just dipping my toes in the water now, as cliche as that sounds, but I'll open up by March I believe. Your birthday was amazing though, that margarita the size of your head was hilarious. We froze our butts off walking to the Mexican place but I'm pretty sure you didn't feel it after that drink on the way back. I'm so excited for my birthday though, for once. I usually dread my birthdays but now it's another excuse to see you, even if it's not on my actual birthday. I'll probably have everyone get Mexican again, mostly so I can see you get another big drink like that. But also because I know it's somethings both like to eat, as picky as I am. I'm excited for you to spend the day with me and my family once you come back from Oxford. I know it's really hard for you, the distance. I'm used to it but I know you aren't, and I just feel terrible. As I'm falling for you even more I'm also scared that it'll get to you again. Like I know we aren't as far away as your room mate is with his girl friend, but we aren't as close as your other roommate and his girlfriend.
 I just want to say that I'm so proud of you though, I know your anxiety is probably getting to you here and there but you haven't let it hurt us. And thank you, because I really like you and want you in my life. You make me so extraordinarily happy it's insane. You're genuinely an amazing person, no wonder I'm falling for you. And if we break up a couple months from now I know I'll probably be hurt, but I'm just glad we have now to spend with each other. And oh my goodness I'm so excited for Valentine's Day. You should see what I got you, so much candy. I literally bought every kind of Sweet Tarts I could find. Took me a while to get all the kinds but I know you like them so of course I splurged. And then this weekend I'll splurge a bit more driving up to see you for our anniversary. I'm surprised it'll be three months on the 19th, it feels like much longer...

 You came down this weekend because I was having a bad day. You picked me up right from work and as soon as we got back to my place we put in a movie to watch. I always enjoy watching movies with you. We still need to finish watching Before Sunset and then Before Midnight. Maybe after my birthday dinner. I think Before Sunrise has become my new favorite movie, or second to Breakfast at Tiffany's at least. While you were here my friends stopped by to make sure I was doing alright too, they know some things that are going on that you don't. Some really bad things I don't want to bring up yet. I'm going through a really hard time right now but Valentine's Day is here in just three days so I'm looking straight ahead to that. Whenever I spend time with you I forget my worries and I really like that you can help me do that without even trying. Just looking at you, you remind me that everything is going to be okay.
 Thanks you for that.
 I know these troubles that have been weighing on me so heavily will pass by eventually. Maybe next week I'll get your opinion on all of these things. But for now all I'm going to think about is Valentine's Day, our anniversary, and my birthday. I am so excited about these next couple of days. Valentine's Day, gosh I've always wanted to get to be like the rest of those couples. I'm a sucker for that day, when you get to really show your feelings for your partner and not get teased for being so mussy. I am genuinely so freaking excited to see you all dressed up at whatever restaurant you surprise me with. Really I'm just excited to see you again. And then this upcoming weekend will be three months. I took off work Saturday and I will be up Friday morning as a surprise once I make sure you don't have work that morning then I'm staying until Tuesday morning. One wonderful long weekend. A little taste of what Spring Break can be like since you can't go to Vegas. I'm also thinking of being super cheesy for Spring Break and setting my apartment up like a casino one night and getting gold coins that are chocolate. I saw it on One Tree Hill and figured it would be fun. Oh and my birthday! I'm renting a big hotel room on fountain square, I have some extra cash put aside for the big VIP suite with two bedrooms and one large middle room. I got it last year but only one bedroom for a couple friends. You'll love it! It's so much fun to get to spend the night in a hotel and not have to make the bed once you wake up. Then we can go get coffee, hot chocolate for you, and eat donuts and croissants for breakfast while looking at the Tiffany's display. I'm excited to let you in on my dorky tradition.
 I really like you, and I'm excited to spend my silly milestone of a birthday with you.

Last Entry - February 11th 2017

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