Closure

by - December 29, 2017

 I am getting closure from 2017- it has been the best year and it has been the worst year. I don't want to be like Cheryl Blossom in the second season pretending like nothing happened to her in episode four. I am not going to pretend like bad things didn't go on in 2017, but I'm also not going to pretend like really good things happened in 2017.
 I went in with a boyfriend, Dean, and somewhere I fell in love with him. I'm leaving that here- not the love for him I had or maybe most-likely will always somehow have sadly, but that statement. I will no longer bring that statement past my lips or typed out here on my blog- or anywhere else for that matter. I'm leaving Dean behind and hopefully many of the stories that come with him. The memories though will of course follow on but, I am going to look back at them with fondness rather than torment. Yes the end was bad, I can say that a million times and be angry about it but there were good moments. There were really great moments- almost every day from November 19th to February 13th were amazing. And then February 14th and the 15th were absolutely horrid. But I can't change that, I can't rewrite history. So I have to accept it, swallow it, and move on. For the most part I have moved on, I no longer write in the notebook he gave to me and I never plan on giving it to him. I don't get nervous about seeing him at Tim Horton's whenever I go to the literal only one in all of Southern Ohio (actually that might be false?). Nor do I care to see him when I make a grocery run for my grandparents. I wish him well, but I don't care for him- or at least not like I used to.
 With Karev, that's different. I have moved on, he's rarely crossed my mind or his name passed my lips- except for in conversations when speaking to people about the red flags I didn't see while with him. I talk a lot about the abuse that lied within the relationship, I will talk about that more in 2018 and for the rest of my life- but that's the only part of him I will carry on. I have no love for the man, never did- only anger that men like him think he can do bad things behind closed doors and get away with it just like that. I will continue to bring him up in conversation when discussing the abuse that can go on in seemingly great relationships and discussing sexual assault. I will not ever allow him the satisfaction on sweeping my story under the rug. Men like him will no longer be getting away with the shit that they pull in the future. Because of him I am no longer afraid to call out men's predatory actions. He's the Nick to my Cheryl if you catch my drift. Everything that happened with him in our relationship that lasted only May to August is looked back at with an eye roll or two. Sure I did a lot of really cool things- explored a new city I'd like to go back to, had a fun 4th of July, swam in the park's pond, went to the beach, and many other things. They were all great and unfortunately shared with him but I will separate him from the memories. Not erase him and pretend like he was never there, but exclude him from the narrative.
 I have flip flopped on a lot of things this year. I think it it's because I am so torn between all these different things. One second I want to smoke cigarettes with a very 80's cult classic "screw the world, let's blow things up" attitude and get a bunch of wild tattoos. And then the next second I want to wear pastel colors and cute dresses or skirts and maybe hold off on that giant tattoo I want on my arm. My mom says it's because I'm a well rounded person- before I thought I was just a little insane. I can fit in any category of cliche stereotype of all decades from 50's to now and even all of the ones we have today. So me wanting to be one person on Wednesday and another fit by Tuesday doesn't mean I can't be- it doesn't mean I shouldn't be.
 So in 2018 I'm going to be more me. Buy and where the clothes I like the way I like. If one day that's a plaid shirt wrapped around my waist, a beanie, combat boots, and my big jean jacket then call me Jughead and take me to Steak N Shake (I've been binge watching Riverdale season two if you haven't noticed). If the next day my hair is way too straight, I have Hemingway in my hands, I've got my oversize cream sweater on and my little backpack on my back then I'm feeling like Rory. And if on Friday you see me wearing my high waisted ripped jeans with the childish patches, a sorta see through white tee, and a pair of chucks then I don't know who I am but I'm probably feeling more me.
 But here it is- to the two guys who shaped me more than I could have done alone. Thank you and good riddance. I'm finding myself more alone now in the 'after' than I was in the 'before'.
 And to the new boy- the one who will probably not be my last but somewhere in my middle, enjoy the girl you get to date then because baby, I can promise you I'm going to be a wild card. And I sorta love it.
 I'm posting any drafts I have regarding things that happened in 2017 that I don't want to carry with me into 2018. I have a few that I've scheduled and then shot back to a draft because I just couldn't post it yet, hence the last few posts probably being the way they are... But here we go, let's be cliche and say "new year, new us".

 Peace out 2017! Stay the hell away from me and let me go.

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