Tread Slowly

 In November I started dating this guy, not exclusively dating but dating none the less. Things mutually ended because there was nothing there between us by the end of November. I felt nothing when I kissed him and he was still holding on to the hurt by his ex. There we no bad feelings on either end but I did tell him that next time he started something with someone- make sure he's ready. There's nothing wrong in taking time for yourself before inviting someone else into your life. He lucked out in a way that I didn't really feel anything for him because if I had, and he had led me on, he could have hurt someone in a way.
 But what I wanted to discuss about this November guy was that while dating him for a month I realized I prefer the slow rather than all at once. Though all of who I saw him as when we first dated went away and changed by the end of it- I realized that that meant he wasn't the person I should be dating. It happened with both of my exes as well. I dated them, and everything they said they were and what I saw them as changed within weeks. It made me see them differently and not in a "wow they're better than expected" way. More of an "oh so that's who they are" way. I don't want to be rude or mean and say it was in a disappointing way- but honestly, in a way, that's how it was. They seemed like this amazing person and way too quickly that facade began to fade.
 I've realized now that I want to date for longer. Dating that guy for a month rather than doing the stupid thing I've done twice of saying yes to a relationship a week in was better. I want to date someone for a month or two or three before getting into a relationship. I want to go out on dates at restaurants and parks before letting them past my front door into my house. I want to end the night at my building's glass door and let them decide if they want to go for that kiss goodnight. I want to fall into things slowly, let time take its literal time.
 I heard on the radio yesterday that it takes men three dates to fall in love- women it takes fourteen. I call bull because it took me almost three months to have just a little love for my first boyfriend and probably forever to lose it. I think maybe, perhaps, it takes fourteen dates to spark something. A little spark like when you try to flick a lighter with barely anything left but you see that little flicker spark up. And that's what I'm looking for- that's what I think everyone is looking for. That little spark of something real and that's lasting, something true.
 So I've decided that in spring I will start dating again with the changing of seasons, when I'm naturally more hopeful and light. I'll take the rest of February and most of March to continue working on myself. I have big plans for this year- all I have been speaking allowed with positive measures and putting out into the universe. I will go on this amazing road trip of mine. I will get that loft apartment in Northside. I will have more luck come my way. I will be happier this year. This year will be better for me.

 Everything I am slowly working on, perfecting in my own ways. That sometimes mean taking steps back, putting certain things on hold till later months, and not getting to where I want to be instantly. I am doing more things slowly.
 I'm trying to adapt myself to slow things down- my anxiety makes me go so fast sometimes I don't even see what's really around me. That's another reason why I want to go slower in my next relationship. I want to really take in who they are, stop and smell the roses but in this case stop and take in all of who they are. I want my feeling for them after a month or ten months to be "wow, this is who they are and it's so much better than I thought". I want to constantly be amazed by how wonderful the man I date is. I don't want to ever walk out of his house upset or angry about another lie he told me or how he wasn't who he said he was. I'm done with that- I'm done with rushing and the fast paced dating game filled with lies and no effort. I'm almost ready to find that spark and I hope in a few months from now I can tell you all about how great my partner is. I won't bring him up until I know I want to keep him around- I won't speak a word of that spark until then.

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