Why I Love Life Right Now

by - February 02, 2018

 I have Seasonal Affective Disorder- which usually means the seasons changing to colder days are trouble brewing for me. But recently, though yes I have had some sad days, I really love my life right now.
 I have amazing friends, I found the apartment I'm going to be moving into on the other side of town for August, but my apartment now is really coming along, I have a job that is the perfect schedule, I'm out of an abusive relationship with myself, I'm loving myself more, I'm loving who I am- and I'm not afraid of things anymore.
 I am relearning how to be myself, the self I was as a child who didn't care what people thought of me. I'm relearning how to be alone and drinking in every moment of it. While making breakfast and coffee this morning I took in the actions of grabbing fruit out of the fridge, of the noise from the coffee grinder as I ground fresh beans, the smell of the coffee beans when I opened the bag, the  taste of the froth I whipped up, the sound of the coffee maker. I took in all of the silence surrounding it too. I'm rediscovering what I like about the things I do, the places I go, the movies I watch. I like old 90's rom-coms and wildly romantic 90's movies which are way too poetic. I like indie songs, pop music with a bit of Spanish influence, still obsessed with the tunes John Mayer puts out. I like writing- I love writing, even if I'm not good at it. I still like doing it. I hate the cold, I desperately hate and curse the cold with every chilling bone in my body. I like summer with every inch of my soul. I'm a cynic to love while also a desperate hopeless romantic. I read a quote from Derek Shepherd that fit what I feel about love perfectly. Maybe I'll discuss it more some day but I've found that I am deeply cynical about people in love and love itself- until I see someone talk about their fiancé or wife. Then I believe in it a little bit.
 I don't apologize for cursing in my own home. I don't apologize for showing my affection towards others. I don't apologize for holding back from others. I don't apologize for speaking my mind about social issues. I don't apologize for calling my ex out for sexually assaulting me. I don't apologize for calling out the people and places who have wronged me.

 I am taking my time to live life even if it's not going exactly how planned. I am figuring out what I want in my life and what are the next steps to take it. Am I freaking out about life seemingly flying by so fast? Yes- but I'm still living it. I'm going to bed late and getting up early- I'll take lack of sleep over waste of time. I'm spending the money I earn, as long as I know I have enough to pay rent and my car insurance. I'd rather have less money in my bank and more experiences in my life than a lot of money and no memories. I'm dying my hair- it's red now and I'm planning on something brighter or blonder for summer maybe. I'm planning road trips- one in June for now. I'm reading more, watching movies more. I'm going to coffee shops and getting outside more.
 I'm doing more but also taking more time in my life to get those things done. I'm enjoying my freedom, my life, and the moments. Which have been really great so far- even if it's 20 degrees one day and 50 the next.

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