Why I Think Valentine’s Day is Bullshit

You told me one night, after a few drinks, as we laid on the couch together “I’m afraid of what you’ll do when I end up breaking your heart.” And I wonder now, were you planning it all along?

 Here’s the thing, you can say anything. You can fake anything. We see actors and actresses fall in love on the big screens and then in real life they go home and 99% of the time they don’t actually love each other. They wouldn’t actually do anything for each other. Their characters are exactly that, characters. They are two characters who fall in love within the 128 minutes it takes for La La Land to play out, and then Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling go home to their real lives. 
 And that’s partly why I hate Valentine’s Day. No, not because of romantic movies and cute couples- because of the lying. 
 Let me take you back a year to my first (and last) Valentine’s Day. 
 It was perfect, I worked that day which I wasn’t happy about but found roses at my desk from Dean. After I got off work around 7ish I rushed home in an Uber to my apartment to find Dean already there. I had done my makeup and hair before my shift and just had to change really quick. He looked so handsome in his pinkish button up shirt- I just had to snap a Polaroid of him standing in front of my dining room table. I wore a little black dress I had bought from Forever 21 for this night. He scanned his eyes over me for a second then just smiled and I swear my heart leapt out of my chest. I remember all of this like it was yesterday because this next image haunted me for months, I actually had to leave my apartment through the backdoor and up the middle stairs. 
 He put his suit jacket over my shoulders and we walked up the sidewalk to our Uber then headed downtown. He would tell me where we were headed so when the driver asked him if where we were going was correct I pretended to be distracted. We stood on Fountain Square and watched these two random hockey teams play against each other. We saw a couple get engaged beside us by the fountain. We made little jokes and he squeezed my waist with his hand. Then walked inside a cute little Italian restaurant and sat in the most crowded room I’ve ever been in. But I loved it, every second of. 
 After dinner we went back to my apartment and enjoyed the night. It was perfect- the night ended with a movie and an exchange of gifts. I got him SweetTarts of all different kinds and he had gotten me hot chocolate all the way from Paris. The rest of the night was honestly too perfect for words. 
 But the next morning, at about 8 o’clock- five minutes after I woke up- my world changed. 
 I was sobbing at the foot of my bed, then pushing everything from Dean- the roses, the hot chocolate, the SweetTarts, his sweatshirt, everything- at him and locking myself in my bathroom waiting for him to leave. He had broken up with me. 
 I became physically sick over it because the only thing I could think of in my head was that the perfect night where I realised I was falling in love with this man, or maybe already was- was all a lie. Everything he did that night was a lie. For me it was this special night, these words and actions that hit me with such sincerity all turned out to be lies. 
 I was sick for weeks afterwards, about two months. Every day I would get violently sick, I lost about 30 pounds, I had relapsed with self harm, I couldn’t get myself to eat anything- if I did it was saltine crackers I’d throw back up. With how sick I was- friends and family thought I was pregnant, so for two months I was retracing every step leading up to that night trying to figure out what I had done wrong while also hearing from friends ‘are you sure this isn’t morning sickness?' and 'don't worry, he'll come back to you and realize he messed up'.
 I broke down- I was grieving, I was done. 
 Everything from that night was now covered in lies and I hated it. The whole thing around Valentines Day is where if you’re with someone- it’s the happiest day of the year to be with that person besides your anniversary. And if you’re single, you basically wear all black and curse out the couples. But for me I’m not cursing out the couples or morning past relationships- I’m cursing out the day itself. 
 This day I looked forward to as a little girl, finally being able to get flowers from someone and give them chocolates and just be as sappy as I wanted to be- was now ruined. I’m cursing out the day itself because I genuinely didn’t ever believe someone could fake something that like. I didn’t think someone could fake those feelings I swore he had- because I didn’t fake my feelings for him. 
 So when I got into my second relationship I told him, I don’t do Valentine’s Day. Take my younger sister on a date- take her to Montgomery Inn and get brownie points from her but when that day rolls around just leave me out of it. 

 I don’t believe in Valentine’s Day- not anymore at least, to me it’s all bullshit. If someone can lie and fake and act out those feelings towards me for whatever personal gain you got out of it, then I’m not going through it again. Valentine’s Day is bullshit. 

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