A Fight With Myself

Beatrice Dalle dans Betty Blue (Jean Jacques Beineix, 1986)

  I am in a constant fight with myself. One minute I want to remember- everything and anything that has happened in my life. The next minute I want to live in a world where I can simply forget. One minute I want to feel everything, embrace my title as an empath. The next minute I never want to feel anything ever again. I am a great chaotic sea of paradoxes. I am a mess of significant extremes. I have so many women I admire that I follow on social media who have parts of theirselves I'd love to adapt into my own life. To better myself in some way with the things they do, the way they speak, the clothes they wear. I see something in these women who's pictures I like, who photos I reblog, who tweets I favorite. But I, myself, am way too all over the place to ever be like these wonderful women. Whether it be their looks, how they gracefully hold themselves, the words they speak from their mouths, the way I see men become captivated by them, or simply the way they just be in the universe. I see the woman who ties a pink satin robe around herself and grabs a cuppa tea. She sits, curled up, in an iron chair on her patio and watched the sunrise. I see the girl drinking wine or champagne from the bottle with a cigarette in hand. With the blunt short cut and the artsy wardrobe, saying "fuck it all" as she downs the bottle. I see the one that men fawn over. The girl who is just so effortlessly gorgeous, whether they're in ripped jeans and eyeliner or a simple dress and sandals. The woman covered in paint with overalls and an old t-shirt covered in paint or clay. The girl who is constantly living in a world of art. I want to be all of them and in some small way I am. I've gone as far as to write down the traits of these women that I adore and want to adapt into my life. But it's messy. It's so, so messy and distasteful- not put together. I don't know if it's because that's just who I am- a blunt and utter mess- or if because who I am get lots in translation. Who I am is lost somewhere between my head and my heart to my mouth. I do and say everything wrong. Or I do nothing at all. More likely I no longer do anything at all. So when I realize I can never become like these women or all the things I've put towards being them have gone wrong- I act out against myself. I become way too much of the "fuck it" girl and start tearing myself down because I've failed to become what I so strongly admire.
 I've literally grown up being told what women do and what women don't. "Ladies don't curse, ladies don't smoke, ladies don't talk like that, ladies don't act like that, ladies don't raise their voice, ladies don't just sleep with men." "Ladies cross their legs, ladies speak softly, ladies wear dresses, ladies just keep quiet about those sort of things." So when I have something in my mind that I want to do- I have to decide if I really want to go against the decades of 'don't do that' that I've been taught or not. Or, do I want to fall in line with how ladies act even thought I feel like I should rebel because that's how a girl that I admire would act- so maybe I should too? Or maybe because I don't want to fit in with how women should be. My brain is literally a mess of this every second of every day. I'm constantly dealing with this. Do I fall in line, do I 'give in' to how women 'should' be? Or do I rebel? Do I do what I want to do? Is this even something I want to do or is it something I feel like I should do? Is this even what I want?
 I'm dark and twisty and I don't know why but that's just who I am. No matter how hard I truthfully try to be someone else- or to be what I might just be, myself- it never works out. I think I want one thing but do I really? Maybe this thing that I think I want, or I think I'm ready for- I don't actually want but feel like I need to...
 I think honestly I'm just wired to self destruct and most days I'm winning against that but for the last few days I've been letting it win.

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