Hypocritical

by - March 19, 2018

I'm standing in the ashes of who I used to be
And I'm faded away, you know, I used to be on fire

 Do you ever realize something about yourself and dislike it? Perhaps you realize you say the word "like" too often in a sentence. Or you snort when you laugh. Maybe you shake your leg up and down rapidly whenever you get nervous. None of these things are anything to be ashamed of. But once someone points them out- you become... uneasy? Uneasy with yourself as a whole maybe or just this one thing.
 I've had way too many of those uneasy feelings about things regarding myself in too short a period of time. My head is reeling from it all and the self hatred has poured in me. Maybe it's because I'm alone too often with myself and my own head recently. But I pulled an all nighter after learning a fews things about myself recently. I think the mix of pour coffee, no sleep, and aloneness filled my brain with something heavy. Or maybe it was the semi-depressing string of Halsey songs I drowned my head in through blasting the car radio as I drove around the city trying to rid myself of things learned. Either way I've been thinking of negatives and bad things since early Friday morning and I can't rid myself of them. Because of that I've reverted to the things I used to do when I was really down. I've started doing those stupid and bad things all over again- I can see myself doing all these things but can't seem to stop myself. Whether it's because I don't want to or don't seem to care- I can't tell.
 I've become the type of self destructive that can take down others with them if she really pleases. And I don't- so I've been distancing myself from others. There's a menace in my head and I don't want to release it upon the world.

 Now the reason I call this post "hypocritical" is because that's how my feelings towards myself are. These things I learned- these things that were always there but never deeply looked at or acknowledged- are things that to anyone else I would say are okay and aren't bad. I would tell someone else that nothing is wrong with them, these aren't bad things. Everything is okay. Yet those words that I truly believe aren't the things I tell myself.
 Instead I tell myself of how wrong I am. How bad these things are- what it truly means about me. I pick myself apart and tug at every string of hope until it snaps. I become some monster towards myself. Telling myself words that I can't decipher where they come from... I'm a soft person, I'm a kind person, I'm a loving person to even the ones who don't deserve it. So is it really me spewing names towards myself and hate? Because surely it sounds like it. But I can't believe I can be this horrid towards someone- yet here I am dragging myself down.
 I guess what I'm trying to piece together with these ramblings is that I'm lost. I thought I knew who I was- or at least had a decent picture of who I was... but now these new pieces of information make me question every move I've ever made. Every breath I've ever taken.
 It wasn't just those questions that effected me but something else that took place. Something that made me question a "what if" moment and over analyze every breath and every step taken after that moment. A lot has happened in too little a time for me to make any sense of it. I knew twenty-one would be the year where I investigate more aspects of myself more deeply but sometimes I wish I left stones unturned and paths untouched.
 I know none of this will make sense in the morning to anyone- but this rambling mess is what I'm feeling inside. This anger and sad fueled rant associated with Halsey songs that hit to hard to my core. Maybe I'm over analyzing these things and the lyrics that stick out in these songs. Maybe I'm too desperately looking for another way to self destruct? Maybe I'm bringing on the pain and sadness because I found something good and I'd rather destroy it before it destroys me. Maybe I don't really want to accept this change. I don't know. I'll blame the weather, the sad songs I surround myself with, and anything else. The bad nights and long conversations and anxieties. I'll blame it all on this rambling mess.


 I'll blame it all on the fact that I want to say too much so I say nothing at all. 
And I'm zero days clean. That'll I'll blame on myself though.


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