Alone With My Anxiety

by - April 13, 2018

 If you've read a few of my posts you know I have anxiety. I've had it forever but it really only hit sophomore year of high school. It stops me from doing every day things or at the very least makes me feel like I'm drowning as I'm doing them. Going to the grocery store feels like running a marathon. Ordering at a new restaurant used to feel like speaking at Obama's inauguration. Asking for help when I don't understand something feels like a giant hot spot light is shining on my face, blinding me. Meeting someone new used to feel like I was standing in front of them naked with subtitles above their head of what they "really" think of me (which was usually harsh and obviously not true). Stepping out of the house without makeup on felt like I had uncovered a bold printed face tattoo that said "Hi I'm filled with physical flaws!"
 So many things made me feel anxious and like invisible water was filling my lungs. I'd shake like a smoker who just quit cold turkey. I'd get as red as a tomato all over my face. I'd feel alone and like I was dying. The funny thing is though, I'm not alone. I know I'm not alone. Other people feel these feelings. My old Social Anxiety post was one of my biggest reads when I first started really openly discussing my mental health. People at parties all over campus would recognize me and say they read it- saying they're so thankful or happy I wrote it. Saying how much they connected with me. I even ha done tipsy girl cry with me in the bathroom about how social anxiety has made her this girl she isn't and that she missed the care free kid she used to be.
 But when I feel this anxiety, when this drowning feeling hits- I feel utterly alone. Like I'm a million miles out into the middle of the ocean with no one in sight. All I see if the bright sun pounding down on me as I try to stay afloat but just can't. I don't know why I keep forgetting I'm alone. I think it's my anxiety telling me that I am. It isolates me mentally and physically. It's like the bully who traps the kid in the hallway and attacks him in any cliche kid movie.
 I discussed this with one of my friends who I know has anxiety and depression just like me. He asked me if and why I felt alone and if I knew other people felt this way too. I do, like I just said I do. But if I do, and he does, along with a bunch of other people who do- why do we all always feel alone with these things? Or at least sometimes we do? I unfortunately don't have that answer for you- I have a lot of answers, but not for that. All I can tell you is that you aren't actually alone. Maybe you feel alone- maybe you're like me and feel alone in the middle of the Atlantic. But you aren't. None of us are. No matter how many times I tell you or myself that it won't click until one day it just does. So until then- do what I do. Make a playlist of anxious songs that straight up tell you that you aren't alone in this feeling. In My Blood by Shawn Mendes was the one that hit me and reminded me. There are many out there, believe me I have a long playlist of songs I connect with. And when you connect with things, you feel less alone. Perhaps still a bit alone, but theres that tiny feeling of reassurance that someone else has been here and done that- and survived.

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