Crave

by - April 06, 2018

Can't get out of my head, I need you to save me. If I am delusional then maybe I'm crazy.
 I think I've always been the type of person to put up walls, hide, and push people away when things are bad. I know how violent I can be with myself and I never want to be that destructive with anyone else ever. So I put up a cold front and tell them "I'm fine" while pushing them slowly away until they're too fed up with me- then they're just gone. Though deep down all I want is for someone to grab me and shake me and tell me to open up all ready. To call me out on my bullshit, to stop this crying and to stop this whining. To do this stupid thing that every romance movie since we were little girls has put into our heads- to have someone 'save me' from what inevitably is myself. For someone to be harsh with me while simultaneously being kind with me and telling me everything will be alright. For someone to maybe somehow help me calm myself from my own mind since I can't seem to do that alone. All my depression and my anxieties are too loud for me to be on my own sometimes.

 I suppose a part of me craves that intimacy and vulnerability I guess I've never truly been able to allow anyone to see. I don't cry in front of people, if  I do- I rarely do. I run away from people, physically and figuratively, before I ever allow them to see me like that. Vulnerable. I've had to be strong ever since I was a kid. I had to be tough, I had to be grown up and being a grown up means never being weak, to not cry, to not show you're vulnerabilities. I don't open up to people as easily as it seems I do. Sure I talk about my troubles and my past- but I never go too deep into how they scarred me or changed me. I never tell people when the things they say effect me or hurt me- I just let them think they slide past me without any damage. I never discuss the dark things that I know hurt me and how I reacted to the extremes I've had. I never bring out the details and the names of the people who have scarred me. I did once, and the person who I told the names and details to left me crying on the couch. He walked away from me when I was vulnerable and went to sleep- he didn't want to hear about it because it was too much for him, it was to real for him.
 I truly think this is something I crave just like I crave music I can connect to and hot chocolate on cold nights. I crave this intimacy- this connection. I don't know how else to explain it but I feel almost alone in this craving. I feel almost childish to admit that I need someone who is slightly stronger than me, someone who can hold my head above the water when I have those moments that are too much. Partly because having someone who's stronger than you and more put together isn't adulting. But also because I don't want to rely on someone, I don't want to put my weight on their shoulders, I don't want to drag them under with me. Or to admit that I let the waves crash over me and drag me under. To admit sometimes I stop trying to swim. To embody Meredith Grey and say "I was swimming, I was fighting- and then I thought, just for a second, I thought, what's the point?" 
 I don't want to put my troubles on anyone else- ever. But at the same time, I crave having someone who wants to listen. Who just wants to hold my hand, tell me it's okay, rub the back of my hand with their thumb, and promise to stay. I think that's why I hate opening up... and the very few times that I have- people have left. So once I start to tear down these walls I have built and show them- they leave and I build it back up one hundred times higher and one hundred times stronger. So the next time I start a relationship with a man I have to tear down more bricks than I have before- which isn't fair to them nor myself- but that's how it is. I crave to knock down these walls in one unfailing swing but it's hard to do. It drives me crazy to be so torn between these feelings but I don't know... this is just what I crave.

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