"Someone Help Me"

by - April 04, 2018


I’ve been strong for other people for my entire life- being their life raft to hold them up or being their rock to hold them steady. So now I need to stop sacrificing who I am for others. Stop sacrificing the woman I really am inside this dreadful mess. I don’t know where to start or how to stick to it or even what to do but I'll figure it out. Maybe with some help from others, but in the end I truthfully have to do this alone. I believe that the reason this depression, anxiety, and self hate spun out of no where is because I am finally alone. The last time I was alone- my anxiety finally came to light. I had no one that needed my shoulder to cry on. No one that needed me to lend my hand. No one that desperately needed my advice from the outside. I was alone, in a good way. But my body decided that since I was alone and things were good- I could take on anxiety full force. 
 Now I’m alone and finally able to be on my own. I can take a breath without someone needing me somehow to hold their hand, to tell them what to do, to uncover the path for them. I no longer have to take care of someone, I no longer need to put up a strong front, I no longer need to be this person everyone else needs me to be. With family I was the go between- I was the messenger for fifteen years between divorced parents and upset grandparents. I was my father's guardian for over a year- taking care of all of his needs. I have been my moms closest supporter and best friend for years. I've been the friend who drives an hour away at 3am with no previous experience just to sit by a hospital bed and make sure the someone is still alive. I've helped people when they've come to me with wounds on their wrists. I was the person who scratched someone's back as they cried themselves to sleep trying to convince themselves everything would be okay. I was the girlfriend who was simply there for moral support or to be a literal punching bag. I’ve always been sacrificing- I don’t know how to not be. I don't know how not to care too much. It's been the downfall of many fights in my relationships and with friends. I’ve been the one there for everyone and I’ve always also been the only one there for myself- but I’d always put myself on the back burner. Dealing with my own self later or never at all. Because I wouldn't see myself as important. My problems weren't that big- they could be dealt with later. They could be dealt with tomorrow. But then tomorrow turned into next week, then next month, then never. I’d always worry about everyone else. I worried about their well being, their sanity, their opinions of me, their mental health, their happiness, their feelings towards me, etc. etc. etc. to where that somehow turned into worry about everything- except my own mental health. Except for my actual self. But now I’m alone. I’m alone, with myself- my thoughts, my decisions, my anxieties, my depression, my self hatred, my self loathing, my mistakes I've made in the past week, and the regrets I now have. 
I’ve come to realise I despise who I was/am and I can’t tell if that’s a good thing or bad thing to be honest though. But no one needs me anymore and I don’t know how to ask for help or simply say “help me” to figure this disaster out. Until now. Until this song. 
 Until something finally clicked inside of me that says what I've been telling every single person in this world beside myself... it's okay to ask for help.

 So I've asked for help.

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