I have butterflies. Ugh I hate that I have butterflies again but I have them. They aren't exploding, or trying to burst from within side me- but they're there. Like swirling around and dancing in the light, starting to move again. They're subtle, but I feel them.
 They're for this one guy who fits the pieces of what I've been looking for. Not all of them but they're there. He has this life that's messy and slightly in pieces- he understands trauma and heartbreak. He isn't some guy who's had a perfect life, the kind I've dated and can't deal with because they don't understand the nitty gritty of life. He's self aware, he understands how he works and doesn't care for barriers. He minds his manners, he doesn't want to break any of my rules. He's romantic- he put blankets on the top of his car while we're sitting at the top of the city, and plays somber music to lay and look at the lights to. He keeps me up till six in the morning and invites me out the next night. He dresses well, he dresses so well with the ankle boots, the silver rings on his fingers, and the back watch on his wrist. He thinks about music like a legend, and he adores my messy little playlist. He talks about life like the people I want to surround myself with do.
 And we've only had one date. I mean, it was hours long and I adore his friends and he invited me on a second one literally while five minutes into the first one. I'm seeing him again, tonight. Taking him to an FCC game because he had never been and he got tickets from a player. It all worked out perfectly and I feel slightly insane saying I feel butterflies starting to open up. I'm sort of use to being dark and twisty, being Meredith Grey- not really believing in love right now or anything good. But when I asked him "what are you thinking right this minute?" while holding his hand in his Jeep and he smiled- knowing we both knew exactly what he was thinking, I didn't want anything more than for him to kiss me goodnight.
 This could go horribly wrong after this second date- who knows, it's a possibility. But... butterflies. Wow, that's a feeling I can't remember when I last had. I don't want to think too much into it or let my anxiety get the better of me but I mean, it shows I'm not too damaged to feel something right? I have a second date with him tonight and already I think we've discussed so much and laughed so much it feels like I've known him as long as I've known J. It's like this guy who drives a Jeep, wears black jeans with a well paid jean jacket plus ankle boots, and thinks about music in such a perfect way has been my best friend since forever or something.
 I won't discuss too much of this, but I just wanted to document this. Because who knows when I'll start to feel butterflies stirring again. Just post this little reminder here in this corner that hey, I'm not totally a lost cause when it comes to having something like ferry boats and post-its. 

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