Regrets

by - May 25, 2018

 I talk about going on drives a lot, especially as of recently since that seems to be all I'm doing with my free time. And as of my most recent drive- all I've done is sat in silence and thought about my feelings. These obnoxious feelings I have towards other people. If I sit still these feelings eat at me so I just get in my car and head out towards the highways and towards the city. I shift lanes all too quickly and hit the gas pedal harder than I should.
 I think about the boys who have had their soft lips pressed upon my neck- and did I really ever like them? Did I love them? Did they bring me anything good in my life besides temporary satisfaction? Were they the one I actually wanted to waste my time with? What about the ones who never did? Should I have, would I have, could I have if I had the chance?
 I think about the friends I had and the people I've left- was it good that I cut ties with them? Was it good that I left them behind? Had I outgrown them? Was it bad of me to push these people away or did I need to for my own good?
 I think of choices I've taken and ones I should have taken. I think about the mistakes I've made, the regrets I have, the wrong turns I've taken. I think about the guilt I have that's present solely because of the religion I was raised to believe whole heartedly in. I think of the things I'm ashamed of doing, the things I feel bad for doing. I think back about so many things and somethings turn my stomach into knots or create this pit in my chest where my heart was.
 It's insane to think that actions you did when you were seventeen can still affect you so deeply at the age of twenty-one. But isn't that how life is supposed to go? Aren't we supposed to have regrets. You either regret the thing you did, or the thing you didn't do. I feel like regret is this thing that traps us in a shell some days. Even if while doing that action, taking that jump- you feel no regret at all. Your entire body could be saying "do it, go for it, jump". But give it two days and perhaps your head fills to doubt and your heart starts to worry.
 I feel at least like that's how mine is. A few people I've spoken to about the word regret say the same.  It's not there when you do the thing you're jumping for, but it may follow you afterwards. Or perhaps something holds you back and later down the road, you think about regretting not jumping. I look back on things I did when I was nineteen and regret them, but then I look at myself from that age too and see that there are things I regret not doing.
 Do I regret having piggy back races in the rain, and swimming in Burnett's pond in the middle of the night in the pouring rain? Of course not. Do I regret the people I did it with? Just one. Do I regret not having more nights like that when I had the opportunity to? God yes. This is life though, of course it is. You can't do everything and you can't see the outcome of every path that is presented to you. If you believe in parallel universes then sure, somewhere out there I decided to jump off the cliff at White Rock instead of swimming from dock to dock- only taking photos of my then friends. And in another universe maybe I'm still with my ex, or go as far back as my parents never met. In a parallel universe maybe you have no regrets, maybe you have them all.
 It's this weird thing truly, regret. I don't know how to really explain it all, obviously that's why I'm talking about. Because I'm trying to piece together why when I do something that my gut tells me "just fucking go" the next day my overthinking kicks in and regrets start to flood. It's like I'm sitting in the tub and I didn't turn the water on, but somehow the faucet is turning and water is pouring out. Then regrets fill to the brim and just started overflowing. Turning the faucet right doesn't help anything, it doesn't stop it. For some reason, the only thing that stops it is when someone else does. When someone else tells me exactly what I already know, then it stops. It's as if they turned the water off because I didn't know how to- they turned it left rather than right.
 I'm trying to learn how to do it for myself now, but every once in a while I need someone else to remind me how to forget my regrets. I'm only human right?

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