First Times

by - June 20, 2018

I'm not yours anymore, I'm not yours anymore

 Everyone has firsts- first steps, first steps, first day of school, first crush, first car, first house, first love, first heartbreak, etc. etc. and everyone usually remembers a lot of their firsts. My significant other told me it's how the brain remembers things- you may have had a million crushes on a million people but you remember your first because that's how it registered what a crush is.
 It made me think instantly of all of my firsts. Like a rapid fire of quick clips I saw all of my firsts and who they were with flash before my eyes. Starbucks parking lot, my first kiss. A boy with eyes blue like Starry Night, my first unrequited love. A boy named Andrew, my first crush. I saw all of those faces looking back at me as I sat in a restaurant with my partner talking about how the brain latches on to these images, these memories, these people even.
 It's weird to think about honestly. As a child, your parents coo over your first steps, your first babbling words, your first tooth, your first day of preschool. You have many firsts as you grow up and get older, but they're more spread out. Like your first day of high school, your first crush, your first time driving a car, your first kiss, your first relationship, your first heartbreak.
 A lot of the sadder firsts I thought I would never get over. My first loss, my first failure, my first heartbreak, my first trauma. But then my partner said something else that made me think about my first real relationship. My first 'you are here and so am I' relationship. He asked me quietly- "if someone saw all the people they'd ever have or had relationships with in their life, do you think they'd pick the right one?" It stopped me.
 I didn't know the answer to it, so I sat in silence for a second. I took a deep breath and then spoke.
 "Well not everyone ends relationships when they end- one person breaks up with the other one. So if someone really wanted to be with their partner, but their partner left them, they might pick them. Everyone still loves their first love, even just a little bit, as time goes on. So maybe they'd pick them. Not everyone picks the right people to be with anyways, so maybe they wouldn't choose correctly." I thought for another second and asked him a question. "Out of all the relationships, ours included, that you've had- who would you pick to be with?" I told him quickly after that whether or not he said me wouldn't effect me, we aren't even a month in so maybe he'd say his first if he was in love with her. Maybe he'd say me since he was here with me right now. I wasn't sure.
 He said me though, he said why else would he be here if it wasn't me? Then he asked me in return. I said I certainly wouldn't pick me second partner- the man before him. "Well you didn't say me." He laughed. "I didn't say my first partner." I laughed back. "Well you also didn't say you wouldn't pick him." That's when I got quiet and we just smiled at each other as the firsts all flew through my mind again.
 As we walked back to my apartment I remembered walking home at night when I first moved into my apartment. Nostalgia hit me like a ton of bricks as memories looped around me. Friends, past partners, old friends, family members- everyone who had ever walked the same path with me came flooding back to their locations. Like residual energy bursting to life all of a sudden. It got me to thinking more and more about firsts. By time we got back to my apartment it started to rain and more memories came flooding in with the water. Piggy back racing down Bishop street at midnight in a giant storm. Swimming in Burnett pond. Laying in the road looking up at the raindrops catching the street lights. Playing chicken with the cars that raced by.
 When we got inside my warm apartment I showed him this story of Icarus and the Sun- the drawing/comic strip of the story as told by Gabriel Picolo. I let him read all of it, then told him how it effected me so and touched me deeply. Then I told him I'd pick him. When faced with all the men before him, I would pick him. That no longer did I have an inkling of want that lead me to believe I would ever get back with my first boyfriend. That I was certain, that it could be carved in stone, that I no longer wanted to be with him. That, like the Sun, if he came back and told me he wanted to start again, I would say no. I think a part of me told him that more for me than for him. In that moment I felt free, like the weight of self doubt had fallen from my shoulders. Like the ghost of him had finally left my apartment.
 He was just a first- that's all he was meant to be. We weren't supposed to last that long. We were just meant to learn a little bit from each other. We were only meant to last a little less than three months. He was supposed to be my first boyfriend, he was supposed to be my Dean Forrester, he was supposed to be my first of many firsts, he was supposed to be my first heart break. That's all he was meant to be in my life.


 And my partner now, well- I'm not sure if he can fit Logan Huntzberger's shoes but I think that nickname would be quiet fitting for him. Him and his friends surely remind me of the Life and Death Brigade. And I surely believe that he will be sticking around for quiet some time- but who knows. Logan's shoes are pretty big to fill.




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