The Girl I Want to Be

by - June 22, 2018


 The reason I want to discuss this is because to be honest, I've always strived to be the girl and woman I've longed to be. When it comes down to it though, I don't think I'll ever fully be when I'm around people. I am when I'm alone, or at least I believe I am. That's why I believe I can be. But realistically like I said two sentences ago, I don't think I truly can be when surrounded by friends, family, my significant other, or people I pass on the street.
 I want to be the girl you see sitting at the cafe drinking a latte and reading a really good book, the one you admire from afar. A few days ago, maybe I was that. Maybe one of the people who walked into Urbana that day saw me reading The Scarlet Letter with my matcha tea latte and smiled when they took in the simplistic sight. I want to be the girl who is effortlessly gorgeous, but not in the 'on the cover of Cosmopolitan' gorgeous. More of the uniquely but also generically (in a good way) pretty. Like, I don't need much makeup, I could wear anything and look beautiful in it, my features are just simplistically mesmerizing. And my freckles are dark, my lips are blushed, my cheeks are rosy, my lashes look already long, my skin is soft. My clothes show sophistication, maturity, radiance, and more. I'd be desired by many in the simple ways. Not in the lusty "I need you now" kind of sexual desire some women yearn for- but the "I want to know more" kind of desire. I don't even care to be desired by people in the way of "I want to be you" because when you get down to it, no one should want to be me. I have too many worries and troubles. But to be desired in the way of where people are intrigued by me and want to know more about me is the type of desire I crave. They want to talk to me, they want to know me, they want to be around me. I feel like that's a good kind of desire- because I see so many people I desire to know or be like in a way all the time. The effortlessly gorgeous girl with no makeup on in a thrift store. The rosy cheeked woman smiling at her lover from across the restaurant table. The sophisticated woman reading a book and sipping his coffee at a diner early one morning. The girl with a sharp jawline, button nose, dark hair, light eyes, and a face full of freckles. The smart girl who understands all the old novels she reads. The young adult with a perfect sense of style with a billion different looks.
 I have a Pinterest board filled with women who have different aspects that I love. I wish there was a way I could combine all of the factors from them that I love, that I have a little bit already in myself, and amplify them. Hopefully while starting over in a new place, with a new job, in a new relationship- I can somehow manifest these things that I want. The looks are something I don't care so much about- sure I hope my skin stays tan and my freckles stay dark this summer- but everything else I can work on. Everything else I can accomplish.

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