Understanding Myself

 I ramble here a lot. I think honestly most of my true wild rambling is on this blog when I'm writing late at night, when I'm emotional and just need to spill my guts on a virutal page, or when I'm intoxicated just enough to be vulnerable. But recently I've grown to hate my own rambling, and in a sad small way hate myself a little bit. I've found I've been nitpicking at myself more as the season grows cold and the sun starts to hide more. I've also found myself doing the same as the weather.
 Instead of allowing myself to burrow into my blankets this winter and hide while I know I'm fully capable of handling all that's on my plate- I'm going to put more time into myself. Instead of letting my depression keep me in bed all day listening to sad breakup songs while I'm not even single (I'm such a sad girl and I literally don't know why). I've never truly understood myself fully and why certain things happen or why I do certain things. Sure my therapist a few years ago explained that me crying during fights when I'm angry and not at all sad it's theres actually a reason to it. Those "angry tears" I have stem back to something else in my childhood that's unreseloved (which I never did figure out or work on) so that's why when I get in arguements I cry. I have literally stopped arguements with people and added the disclaimer 'if I cry it's not because I'm upset, it's because you've pissed me off so much'.
 But I wanted to learn more about myself and what kind of person I am. We all have read our horoscope, or looked at our specific start charts, or checked the description of the animal we are when the Chinese New Year comes around. Most of the people I've met fit their zodiac signs (besides my first boyfriend, boy was an Aquarius but matched a Scorpio) so I wondered how many people fit the personality that they were matched to when taking a test. I've tested what love language I work best in and I wasn't shocked at all when I saw my strong suit was physical touch with words of affirmation as a close runner up.
 But I wanted to explore more and learn more about mys personality specifically. I found a webiste called 16 Personalities and took a quick text to figure out what answering these questions meant about myself. After a little bit of time I found that I have an INFP personality type, more specifically the mediator. I want to read a bit more up on being an INFP type (I literally just looked up what those letters stood for) and what being a mediator means before I speak more on it. I bring this all up though because as I get older I realised I sort of stopped trying to figure myself out and bigger things around me out a while ago. I'm not too sure when but sometime between 2017 and now, I don't even know what caused it but now I want to dedicate more time to bettering myself. I've always done a few things here and there, like pick a healthier option for dinner or jog a little more on my run to round up my distance. I'll take the stairs over the elevator if I can. I'll do yoga and meditate for a bit longer when it's a bad day. I dont obsessively drink because of the disease that runs in my family. There are other things too but I've always tried to make sure I understand what I need and what my mental health or physical health needs to be better.
 For the next month I think I'm going to look further into my personality. I've discussed changing my personality with my friend Jack plenty of times- trying to figure out how to change the things I dislike and strengthen the things I do like. I haven't mastered it yet but I think this new information on who my personality speaks to be will help me better myself in those ways. I'm excited to explore more of the inner workings of myself and truly believe everyone should try to understand themselves better.

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