Ask The Men I've Dated About Me

 While holed up in my aunt and uncle's Chicago apartment I watched a movie with the Deutch family staring in it called The Year of Spectacular Men. I was on a Zoey Deutch binge after just watching a few films and one called Flower I'm still not sure whether to admit I sort of love. But there was this one idea in The Year of Spectacular Men that I loved thinking about. In the beginning, in parts of the middle, and at the end- they showed all the men the main character dated. Each man spoke of Izzy in different ways- from their sex lives, her obsession with M&M's, how much they loved her but never told her, and more. It was romantic. But also unusual because you would literally see the men sit there and hear the inconsistencies of their stories from what you watched twenty minutes ago. The guy from the Ski Lodge who seemed like a perfect match (they almost all seemed that way) said he saw her tumbling down the mountain and rescued her on a gurney. Yet that's not the case. Izzy couldn't ski, sat on the ground, and basically begged the guy to escort her on a sled back down to level ground. Her old theater partner described her in the most perfect, romanticized way though. While mainly true- he embellished a bit on their 'relationship'. It's how I can only hope any man I've ever dated can look back on me about.
 It made me think through exactly how the men I've dated would talk about me if interview by someone. Would that one guy, Max, who I went on one or two dates with even remember me? Or would he say something short like- she looked nice and I appreciated her walking me to my car? Would David, the slightly younger guy I dated for a month last winter say he regretted not being ready for a relationship with me? Or would he say something about it just not supposed to work out since we mutually ended things? Would Cody come back and be that guy who spoke of me in the most idealized, romanticized, pure way? Would he be the one to talk about my poetry, my art, my mind, and my heart- how unique I was to him, and how hard it is to find a girl like me? How he wishes we were still friends at very least, and how he wishes me the best. I have no idea- my brain, my anxiety, or my heart could fill in everything and I can only guess. I can allow my anxiety to eat me alive thinking about what these people, who I haven't seen in at least half a year or more, think of me. I can let my heart dig up old emotions and romanticize what they would say. I could let my brain make up one-liners that I would want to hear. I can, of course, ask my current boyfriend- how would you describe me to others if you had the chance? But in the end, if our relationship ends at any point- that idea can switch. It can flip like a switch and change from "I think the world of you" to "that crazy, annoying, girl just wanted to ruin my life."
 People's perspectives change on you throughout the years. While when my first boyfriend broke up with me- I hated him when he had moved on a year later though I had already completed and ended another relationship. I was scared for his girlfriend, cried to my mom about "why wasn't I enough for him" and "I hope he doesn't do what he did to me, to her". Now I see them both somehow pop up on my Explore Page on Instagram. I cooed at how cute they are together and even tweeted about it saying if he wasn't my ex- I'd want them to be one of my couple friends so we could go on double dates. Unconventional I know but I seriously think they're so cute and seem pretty similar to my own relationship with my boyfriend now. But nowadays, I have no bad feelings towards my first boyfriend. I think the light of him actually- he had his own problems and that's why our relationship had to end. We weren't written to be together and that's okay- you meet so many spectacular people who you will and won't fall in love with during your dating life. In the movie, you see one man who Izzy dated never be able to tell her that he loves her. He freaks out on her, says he'd rather be alone so he can figure himself out and that work is more important right now. She cries at him how she thought someone finally saw her, how he finally saw her. Then she walks away. He pulls out his phone and makes a voice memo to himself- to her. And he says "I love you, I really do love you" then their relationship ends, she never hears it, and she carries on.
 I just find it so funny how you never truly know the full extent of how someone felt, feels, or did truly feel about you. Because feelings can change. People can lie. People can exaggerate. You never really know if the person you're asking for is telling the truth. But for me- for all the guys I dated in the past, I have no hard feelings for any of them (besides Connor, fuck Connor) because they were all good people in their own ways. I don't keep up with them anymore besides maybe one of them who I happen to chat with every once in a blue moon- due to being friends originally, dating later. But truly- I hope if someone found a list of all the men I dated for more than a few weeks, they would speak highly of me and say something along the lines of me bringing goodness into their life. My boyfriend says it best "I never want to leave someone worse than how I found them, only better". 

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