Back From My Winter Depression

 I logged out of blogger a while ago and sadly stayed away from it for a while- feeling some sort of weird scaredness whenever I would think "I haven't written a blog in a while." It was some sort of cringe towards feeling embarrassed that I had nothing to write about while simultaneously dealing with so many problems all at once that I didn't even have time to breathe. I fought off my Seasonal Affective Disorder and my winter depression for as long as I could but it finally hit me back in January. I fought well though if I do say so myself.
 Since November my life has been a whirlwind of self-struggles, overflow of depression, dealing with manipulation and guilt, feeling unsafe in every way you turn, and more annoying things I could tick off my list. Due to all of these things, I've made a lot of little steps to move forward towards a new path in life because life has decided to hit me with things that are forcing me to rearrange myself. All while also taking so many deeper looks at myself I've always tried to avoid but knew would be knocking at my door eventually. I struggle deeply with speaking publically about all of my problems on my blog. I've always been extremely honest on here- it's what I pride myself on. Even my close friend tells me to just live honestly and this is what I do here, I use this as my diary and also put it online because I realized everything I've dealt with alone in my head has also been shared by others. I'd be giving the same advice I needed to hear to my friends, to people I'd meet online, to drivers in Ubers, to strangers at a salon I worked at for a year. It made me decide to be a therapist; this blog, my long history of grief, my first breakup, and my current boyfriend. I have been currently attempting to pursue college in the idea of achieving a Ph.D. in psychology. There's been a million little and huge road blockers in trying to accomplish even just getting the funds for it the last four months. I'll still go to college though, I'm going to get to where I need to be and go to college to help others get help to better their lives.

A little peek at a painting I'm
working on for my mother

 I stopped going to therapy because my bank account couldn't keep up with the cost of my frequent visits. I went to therapy because a random man from Batavia or Amelia walked into Hobby Lobby and decided to follow me around the store and take upskirt photos of me. Thanks to me literally listening to Georgia Hardstark from My Favorite Murder say "fuck toxic masculinity" a few minutes before I paused the podcast on Apple's oh so amazing earbuds with a wire. After there was a display between us I squeaked out a small "sir if you continue what you're doing I'm going to have to ask you to leave." He apologized, then started to leave the store. I don't know what came over me but I chased him down all while screaming what he did. People went after him and finally, a woman found him, he was arrested, charges were pressed, I was notified of his release, I was called to the police station one block from the Hobby Lobby where the man assaulted me, I was notified he completed suicide. I went to therapy but never fully got over the situation and it's almost been a year. (I honestly wish that whole part could have been shorter but it's a part of my overall problem) The state paid for it for a while but weekly visits weren't something I could continue myself. My anxiety and depression have declined due to that and other personal problems that- like I said- I struggle to decide if I should share.
 Speaking of my declining anxiety and depression, I've been working on improving it. I'm doing my best to handle it now without any prescriptions- yoga, bubble baths, eating right, getting sun, seeing friends, and more. I have actually been anti any kind of pharmaceutical drug for an extremely long time. But recently I have decided I'm going to try it for about a year. I'd like to stay on it for a year but if I become too sick on any of the anti-anxiety or anti-depression medications I go on, then I will stop things. I'll be talking about it here because honestly, I was that kid that had to have their parents sit on them to give them their medication. I want to document how I feel, where my mind is at, and what differences in my anxiety I notice. I truly don't want to stay on them forever, when I took them as a kid I hated them, but I want to give myself a year.

A recent digital piece I've
been working on as therapy

 I'm going to do a lot over the next year, I can feel it and I'm already tired. I don't know if it's my depression or just knowing how exhausted I'm going to be once I set my plan in motion to better myself. It'll be good for me though, I know that by the end of it things will be better and my life will be going forward. I'm grieving, I'm growing, I'm learning, I'm changing, I'm adapting, I'm surviving, I'm struggling, but I'm going to get through it and I'll be okay. I've been doing a lot of self-care and decided I also need to do a lot of spring cleaning, I need to let go of some emotions that are weighing me down and slowing me on my treck through this path. I have to give up a few things but overall I know it will better myself by the time I'm twenty-three or forty. I'm becoming my real self in a moment of intense pain and so much torment- I hope who I am by the end of this though is someone who is more happy, more healthy, and more in love with herself and life.

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